I don’t know if any of you have noticed

But there are different levels of crazy

Personality wise, there are a couple different steps.

Whenever I meet someone new for the first time

I’m still on level one.

Will they like me?

Accept the weirdness that’s usually accompanied by huge hand gestures

And messed up words?

Will they laugh at me?

Or with me?

The first step is evaluating, calculating, speculating.

To see if I can really- truly- be myself.

I don’t want to be put away

Played with, chewed on and placed back on the shelf.

I want to BE myself.

But

I have to stay on level one.

So I force myself to be quiet

And portray that one girl in the movies

Who never craves attention like a fish craving for water

I try to be the type of girl who gains it by how she holds herself

How she speaks and how she acts.

I think to myself,

I should be an actress.

Because everything in the movies aren't real

And the way I act isn't real either.

Does anyone notice the kindling flame burning deep within my eyes?

When someone raises their head and laughs

And everyone else laughs

Except for me?

I must, I NEED, to act it all out.

And I need to put that fire within me out too.

So I throw all the opinions, critiques and harsh jokes

Over that ridiculous flame.

Because if I don’t

Everything starts to change.

The way people talk to me, the way they see me

And the way people think of me.

But sometimes

That little flame seems to burn brighter

Like a lighthouse after a stormy night.

Those days I try to close my eyes.

Hide it all away with my own harsh winds of words

My own heavy downpour of memories

And my own rumbling thoughts of insecurity.

I try to create a wall.

And I think it starts to work

Until a slip of a word

A gesture of a hand

Or a ridiculous expression

Gives someone a tiny glimpse of the inner me.

That’s when I know

I’m exposed.

I look around into the world in which these people exist in.

If they stay after that slip up.

If they really DO stay

I know they've passed to the next level.

Or maybe three.

As the night goes on

My stormy wall begins to crack.

My eyes begin to open and that little fire begins to burn brighter.

I start to smile wider, speak faster, and react quicker.

If no one seems to care

They go on to the next level.

When I finally begin to leave that cocoon of “coolness”

I start to feel those cold hands of insecurity grudgingly let go.

I start to feel those judging eyes slowly begin to close.

And I’m finally happy.

So even if you’re on level 2,3,5,6, or 10

You just need to remember

There will always be at least one person

Who will walk with you

Up your weird levels and steps of crazy.