You know being alone is when the thoughts really start to bother me, they start thinking that I am a bad person who deserves pain. One of the worst parts is, I always believe the devil in my head. Which then causes me to break these promises I've broken before. Proving just then, I am a bad friend. I try and try to distract myself from those things that make me want to relapse. But it's just impossible when I'm alone and the music doesn't help. For I've been numb, unsure if I would feel ever again in my lifetime. Cant reach out scared to have the only friends i know of leave. So, I'm sorry if I can't stop myself from doing something damaging that makes you not be able to trust me.  For I am not ok. The alcohol doesn't help, the pills are just another coping mechanism. I can't tell you I'm not ok because you have your own life to care for. So, again I'm sorry if I break a promise and don't tell you. I’d simply lose too much. And because of that I chose to not risk it.