dear, anxiety

 

it’s so weird that you have a name now 

I use to always think that’s just how humans lived on 

that it was normal to rehearse conversations before having them 

starving yourself rather than eating in front of any of them 

wondering why everyone is staring at me

is it because of my face, body or every other flaw visible to see 

sitting for hours wondering why everyone hates me

was all this because you hate me?

 

it’s so weird that you have a voice now

first all I could hear was me but now it’s different somehow

I remind myself that you are not me

that you only live in me but yet you’re stronger than me

you control me

you fight me

you hurt me

you break me

you scare me

you make me weak

and you hide so well, fuck you’re sly like that 

you hide so well that you almost don’t exist to the world 

and yet you make yourself my world.

 

it’s so weird that you exist now

I have to take you everywhere I go in fear

you’re the longest relationship i’ve ever had, no doubt 

you’re so possessive that you don’t let anyone else come near 

you leave no room for an affair 

even when I try to forget, you come back and leave a bigger mark

so trying to forgot also leaves a scar.

 

it’s so weird that you control me now

you pull me back as I try to run

you push me down as I try to jump 

“it’s my way or the highway” you enforce

you’re so strong and authoritative 

you run my life for me, without any remorse 

“don’t speak to anyone, you’re not worthy”

you remind me every time I dare to exist

just one word, I plead and beg 

maybe a small smile, I continue to negotiate 

“but you’re a reject” you harshly remind me 

so I sigh and I close my mouth tight walking away quietly

cause you must always have the last word, unfailingly. 

 

 

 

 

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