From the day I was conceived 

I was told I was protected 

Set in a little bubble 

A child so Reserved  

So shy and so mellow 

 

I happened to be molested 

My feelings bursted

and my self esteem devoured  

My whole world just crumbled

But it didn’t seem to matter to others 

I was no longer a little hamster 

But more like Casper

Learning to cope with society and humanity

Since it made me struggle with my sexuality

And lost trust in almost everybody 

 

A father figure was missing since I was conceived 

After this it didn’t really matter to me

I struggled in school

But it was something I managed 

Because in disbelieve my family overruled my damage 

Suffering with depression and lack of self worth

Not even wanting to step foot on this earth 

Isolating myself from friends and relatives 

And having mental health concerns

 

Recently I lost my mother 

A mother not by birth  

But an actual mother who supported me and taught me my worth

The only one who understood my pain 

The only one who didn’t seem unconcerned

And was like my left brain 

A mother who was there physically and emotionally from the day I was born 

To her last day on earth 

One would say she’s my grandmother but to me she’s my world 

 

Her passing seems so surreal

She was my anchor 

And now the thought of death Scares me 

Not just for me but for everybody 

 

Seeing the impact on my family 

That’s the moment I knew 

It was time to step up

And become a grown up

 

Her health  was still a concern

But at that moment it was the point of no return 

No way to pause or rewind 

No way to leave some stuff behind

 

Diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer’s 

Sometimes not recognizing her house or family 

every click her watch gave made her strength devour 

Rejecting help 

Eating less 

 making her deteriorate 

 

 

She held my hand and the last words I heard from her was “don’t be a fuck up” 

Using all her strength 

As if she knew 

That I was the last thing she would see

But I still like to think she heard my deathbed speech

 

And in the most positive way I can say 

Im glad you’re gone 

Because now you’re free from suffering   

Even thought I can’t hear her voice 

She knows she accomplished everything she could do

I know you made the best of it 

And I greatly appreciate it, i do 

 

Every moment up to now is devastating 

I graduated with honors 

Now Working 5 days a week 

Studying for two and getting no sleep 

 

Providing for my family 

Putting others before me 

Helping relatives and giving back to my community

No time to feel 

No time to breath

And it’s crazy to think I’m just 18 

 

 I can now say I know how to live successfully

My negatives remain unstated 

Instead embraced sensibly

No longer thinking of the expectations of society

Grandma’s mentality stuck with me heavily 

 I now appreciate those in my surroundings 

Because time is unknown

but showing concern will make them feel appreciated once they’re with god and at home

 

Being an adult doesn’t mean you know everything 

It’s the characteristic of responsibility 

Within 4 years I grew up  

I matured

I now know my worth 

 

 

 Half way closer to a bachelors of science

Proves what they say 

Neglect does foster self reliance 

Dedicating my successes to my mother in the sky 

And trying to fulfill her last wishes every day that go by. 

 

Leaving it at that if not I’ll go on forever 

I love you grandma

Xoxo