I Can't Love You
When I was younger than I am today, I believed that love was meant to be consuming.
I thought that love meant sacrifice.
Sacrificing who you are, what you believe in, your ideals and the things you hold true.
When I was little, I thought love meant holding your tongue for fear of the consequences.
I thought love was being afraid to say anything.
I thought love was bruises and scars and someone creating those bruises and opening those scars.
When I was in the 5th grade, I thought love meant no matter what, you would always pick the person you love...over everything.
Even over those who depended on you to be the adult.
I believed love was laying over and taking it.
I thought love was forgiving and forgetting everything, even before you were healed.
Screaming matches at 3 a.m., "I fell, that's all," "this is the last time, I swear," that's what I thought love was.
I kept a book under my pillow so I could pass the time; I never could sleep.
We both knew the bruises weren't from a fall.
How many times did you tell me that it was the last time?
Love was what made you stay.
Love made my home a nightmare.
Love made you a stranger.
And I'll never be able to love anyone else for fear of losing myself as you did.
Because love is sacrifice.
But the cost was my childhood; I won't let it be my future self, too.