September 14th, 2017: A Realization
It was a foggy September morning
And I realized again that
I do not want to die
But I do not want to be here.
It was a foggy September morning
When I realized
That my future is so
Uncertain,
And I am so
Lost.
It was a foggy September morning
When I drove through
The baseball field
And for the first time,
Didn’t hear a voice
Telling me to crash my car.
I arrived at school
And I forgot to eat,
Forgot to take my medicine,
Forgot to study for that
Spanish test that
Should have been easy
But it made my fingers
Tremble like a leaf,
Brown and frail and
Ready to fall from a tree.
I remember my dad
Laughing, mouth wide,
Telling my friends that
They don’t have to go home,
But they can’t stay
Here,
And I know that he meant
So well, but
I cannot tell him how much
I wish I were not home,
How much
I wish I were not here,
How much I wish I was
Nowhere.
I wish that I could tell
Anyone,
Just how much
Being here hurts.
And I do not want to die
But I do not want to be
Alive.
Because alive hurts,
Alive is what leaves
Your mouth as dry as autumn,
Your knees shaking like
The amusement park ride
That they brought in and
Set up in two days,
That you get on
In the hopes that it will
Collapse.
Alive is
Everywhere,
All around us,
Everyone you see.
Alive is supposed to be
Beautiful.
Alive is supposed to be
Desirable.
And alive is supposed to be
What I feel.
I do not feel alive.
I do not feel.
I laugh but I don’t know
What’s funny.
I cry but I don’t know
What I have to be
So sad about.
I care so much
But I don’t know
Why.
Why?
Why do I care?
Why do I care
About something that
I cannot feel?
Maybe I can
Feel something.
Maybe I can feel
Empty.
Maybe I can feel
Cold.
Maybe I can feel
Lonely.
I realized on that foggy September morning,
That maybe one day
I will feel something good.
But I don’t know
What would have to change
For that to happen.