the thing about depression is that it never really goes away. its there, but lying in secret. like a tumor on your heart and your brain. you feel tired all the time. and your eyes feel like theres pressure behind them as if your bodys waiting for the perfect opportunity to cry, but when you need to you cant. this past year, i have experienced alot of stress, hope, anger, rensentment, love beyond imagine, heartbreak beyond imagine over and over and over and over again. i had never been the type of girl who people found strikingly beautiful. me with my skinny legs and small chest and a gap between my two front teeth that could hold a straw was stripped of all innocence, and learned at a very young age that if you were "ugly" you had no place in the world. kids can be cruel. when i was 15 i finally decider that if i was going to be liked, loved, noticed i had to be pretty. i started doing my eyebrows, i wore mascara, and lipstick and everything that basically did not define me just so people would be nice to me. i felt beautiful, behind a mask that wasnt myself. i lost the buck toothed girl, let braces close the gap and my heart. i was ashamed of myself simply because everyone told me i should be. now puberty hit and i had less need for makeup and stylish clothes. i started to look older, more mature and brighter as i became confident with myself, but there was always something i did not like. my sophomore year, i met a boy. yes now this is where the cliche really kicks in. he was unlike any other boy to me. he found me fascinating, and beautiful and stared at me for uncomfortably long lengths of time, attention that i was not used to nor found appealing in any way so i hated him and found him gross. he would go out his way to be around me and i would go out of my way to avoid him. long story short we became best friends, inseperable, rushing to each others care, long nights spent on the phone talking about things that didnt make sense. he went through alot the year. his parents divorced, his family falling apart. i helped him through all of that. he became my rock a solid foundation I solely relied on ti stand upon. i dpent so many nights and days and weeks caring only for him, loving him, I even forgot about my loved ones. he made me feel beautiful and I vowed i would never let him walk out of my life. he was the only one that woukd matter to me and no ome coukd convince me otherwise. i saw alot of of him and i opened up spilling secrets I never thought I would be able to talk about. he promised hed never leave me or make me feel anything less than loved. he was my bestfriend, lover all wrapped into one. my family loved him. we helped him financially, mentally, and physically supported him. we never held back and we cared so much for him. well, we broke up a good 14 times because of his indecisive behavior. he started to change. he was a compulsive liar, used mw for money, would go out of his way to make me feel terrible when he was angry and he cheated on me multiple times and although he was my best friend and i knew it wasnt me, i couldnt help but let the self hate creep back into my life, because i flet like it was my fault. i made my first mistake by letting him decide when i was beautiful and when i was not. i started to self harm, again hating myself my body my speech, feeling uncomfortable around my friends, my family, hating everything and everyone. did i leave him? no i stayed around another 3 years as his friend, his play thing, his associate, his girlfriend, to his friend, back to his associate, the circle went on and on it seemed neverending.he would veg me back claiming he needed me in his life that he loved me and that he doesnt know why he hurts me. i would spend night after night crying because i wanted to be with him, crying because i didnt understand, crying because i loved him, crying because ive lost him, crying because ive lost myself. it wasnt till recently, i decided that who you love does not and should not define you. i always complained that ive changed for the worse, that ive become bitter and cold, but i realized i have changed for the better. the hate and the rough times have made me into an even more loving caring person, and i love myself for trying, for making it, for its flaws. men do not define me. i am a woman and i should be proud to be one i am special i have flowers growing in my veins, in every breath i take.
 i cry and i fight and i fight and i fail, and i find myself doing the same thing everyday, every week, every month, every year. im working on self love and self worth, i carve a smile into my face every morning, and everyday my confidence is smashed into the ground. i wanted someone to love so bad, i used to dream about scenarios of me with someone everyday and everyday id think about how much id love them to make sure its perfect, so that when i did find love i wouldnt fail and give up on them the way people seemed to give up on me, i wish someone would have loved me as passionately as i hate myself, i learned how to hate myself at such an early age, and no matter how hard i try i will never get the word UGLY out of my subconscious despite how many people remind me im beautiful. if you only knew how hard it was to embrace every mark, every scar, every stretch mark, every bruise, to not mock myself for not being good enough, to not wear my hurt on my heart like armor, keeping me away from everything and everyone who trues to love me. i make a fool out of myself but i have promised myself that the next time i fall i will get back up and that has kept me smiling, caring, living. i have changed beautifully, i am passionate and proud of who ive become and the talents God has given me.