Dear Jessi,
With one i and one e
Because you liked the way the second syllable rolled off of his lips,
Liked the way saying your name made him smile
Jessi,
Took off an e because you wanted to find yourself
Wanted to strip away all the extra layers
Show the world your true colors,
And you wanted to be cute,
Wanted to be desirable,
Wanted to be loved.

Jessi,
You won't spell your name the same way much longer.
Just liked you dropped an e,
You'll lose the i too,
Shedding letters like layers of skin
To discover your bones.

Jessi,
You will learn a lot this year.
Accept it.
Embrace it.
The learning will happen even if you resist.

This will not be an easy year
Jessi.
You are going to grow a lot,
And it will be painful.
Some days your heart will feel like a pincushion,
Some days you will feel numb with a cold that starts in the abyss where your soul should be,
Some days you will feel empty.
Jessi,
Some days,
You will commit crimson ink to the canvas of your flesh,
And your eyes will fill to the brim with tears that refuse to fall.
This is when your downward spiral begins.

You are going to learn that people are not who they seem to be behind closed doors and computer screens,
You will learn that people lie.
That boys pretend to be men,
And that the man you fell in love with
Was one of them.
You will learn what heartbreak feels like.
You will experience the metallic tang that disappointment and shame leave on your tongue
More days than one.
You will become very familiar with the taste of your tears.

But there will be days when you feel like you are flying,
Look forward to them Jessi.
Through your darkest nights,
When you lie on the floor
Because the side of the bed is too sharp,
And you can't trust your wrist not to slip,
Try to see the stars Jessi.
I promise, they are there.
Steady,
Constant,
Your friends are there.
You will not find the courage to tell them about your depression for another year and a half.
They will not know what you are going through,
But they will stick by you.

Mom and Dad
Do not mean what they say.
You will take it to heart,
But there will come a time when they apologize,
There will be a day that they are proud of you,
Jessi,
And you will be proud too.
Look forward to that day.
Use it as motivation to get you through the hard times.

This year,
Jessi,
You will find rock bottom.
Living there for so long
You will memorize the way the ocean floor feels beneath your feet,
Drowning for so long
You will forget the sweet scent of oxygen,
But you will use this as the foundation to build the you that you have always wanted to be,
Me.
You will slap down bricks and mortar to construct confidence.
You will learn to love yourself-
All of yourself.
You will design a home for your happiness, keep it safe and warm,
There will come a time when you can invite others in again.
Let them sit on your hearth.
Warm their hearts with your gentle fire.
That day is not far Jessi.

This year is going to be hard.
Be ready for it.
Some days you will want to quit,
But do not.
Do not give up.
This is not the end.
Jessi,
You are headed towards great things.
We are headed towards great things.
There is so much more to life than what you will feel this year,
So keep your chin up, your heart strong,
And never, never give up.