And I remember being sick to my stomach

Watching him rip each layer from my underdeveloped corpse

 

I felt more dead than alive

Entangled under his weight

I cried

I pleaded

He smiled

Tear drops fell from my eyes

Tear drops fell

Mixed with crimson rain

It trickled down my thighs

 

I couldn’t help but think

I’d rather him do this to me than his daughter

Only twelve years’ old

I’d rather be a slave to him today

Than his daughter be twelve years a slave

Solomon Northup’s prodigy

She’d wake up to him invading her civil rights

His hand would act as shackles

His body was a cage

Enslaved.

We found ourselves

I thought about this as he stroked my corpse

Over processing thoughts

Blood rushing to my brain

Even though it felt all of it rained down

Rolling about my thighs

Clouds rolling the sky

Eyes rolling to the back of his head

I thought he would die

Like he murdered me

But I couldn’t help but think

I’d rather him do this to me than his daughter

Only twelve years’ old

I’d rather be a slave to him today

Than his daughter be twelve years a slave

 

He’d enter her room

Whispering

Psst, Wake up

She’d clinch her sheets

Grit her teeth

Ball a fist and pretend she was still asleep

He’d pull her cover

Now acting as a fort

He’d suggest they play hide and seek

She’d get up and run

Hiding in the closet

She knew the monsters hiding in there were more forgiving than he was

He’d find her

He’d huff and puff and blow the door down

She’d cower in a new corner nightly

He’d tell her get on her knees

She’d ask God to unleash all the other monsters to protect her

But the only monster that would show up

Would have to leave to lay back down in his bed

In the next room

Fearing he’d be exposed

He’d curl up in a ball

His mouth would form into an empty smile

The same way it would when he’d come to family functions

I’d have to walk away in fear that the monster that was in my closet

Wasn’t afraid of being seen

The same way my sister ran from our dad

Because he too was a monster in the closet.

He’d roar like a lion

And say boo

Striking fear into her the same way

My monster did

I kept thinking what if he had a daughter...

 

Daddy’s an addict

He's sick

I used to tell myself

He needed me to survive

 

If I didn't do what he asked

He'd leave

 

I used to be afraid to leave the house

Fearing he'd come home

Pink and orange in the face

With a furrowed brow

And his nostrils flaring

Yelling about my every insecurity

 

If momma wasn't home

He'd mention his control over my body

And if I’d cry, he'd laugh

 

His laughter was like the hyenas in The Lion King

Obnoxious, boisterous, prideful

Everything love isn't supposed to be

 

Love is antagonizing

Love is him

Creeping into your room

Beating you into submission

Prying your legs apart

 

Love is you being terribly afraid to have a voice

Love is fear

 

Daddy’s an addict

I'd say

He’ll get over his shakiness

He’ll stop eating a spoonsful of sugar during the day

Trying to cope with missing the drug he longed for

 

Crack couldn't calm it

Meth wouldn't help him shake it

XTC only made it worse

Weed didn't suppress it

 

He sought his nightly dose

With no confrontation

No hesitation

I wouldn't dare say a word

But never could stop myself from crying

I was caged in my own body

Stuck between a fist and a mattress

A rock and a hard place

Trapped. Enslaved. Forgotten.