behind the curtain
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The tumor is here
The tumor is there
There will be pain
Coursing threw your vain
Don’t give in
Because there are two ends
Underneath the scars
That cover my skin
And the fabric of my being within
Caked in the long extant scab that once was a collection of thin scrapes,
I don't know what I want.
All I know is what I've been told.
But are my thoughts truly my own?
Does that make them mine,
Or are they something instilled?
I am a wallfower
around, but never really noticed.
To others it seems like I have my life together,
but actually I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.
To my friends I'm the quiet one who's along for the ride.
Why do I feel like I have to hide,
If we are all a little broken inside?
Maybe I am ashamed or at times a little scared,
but I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I wish I could make them accept me,
The girl behind the curtain
She has no solid form
She stays behind it hidden
Because it is safe and warm
Were nobody can harm her
Or hurt and call her names
Where she can wear the curtain
I am a women behind locked bars.
Trying to escape the path set for me.
The verdict has me in for lie.
Dismayed by dirt, we sweep it under the rug.
Projecting our perceptions, they are our reality
Fearing the monster inside and the fear we think we will see
refusing to confront the possibility
I laugh, I play, I laugh some more,
And make sure that the world is smiling.
I watch and joke and play along,
Not once do I think of reti'ring.
Just one, now two, now three then four,
oh, how the depths whisper sweetly thy name,
as sea foam outstretches and kisses the rain.
and oh, how the moon cries for the hopeless
and the hills sigh so softly, helpless to thy pain.
I have fallen into a pattern of
ticking and tock-ing
for those who simply miss the measurement of time.
My mouth is stained red, but my
mind is enveloped in tones of blue, no longer
Sometimes the disconnect between
the world
and me
(not the fingers typing the words, but the place
Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain.
She's got nothing to say, for
They've taken her voice.
Her eyes are full of longing
To speak her thoughts.
No one knows you like I do.
We both hide there,
behind the curtain.
The red one,
stained with tears, resentment and fears
accumulated over the years.
I’m not too good at this, letting you hear
How much I do care and it fills me with fear.
My belov’d words fail, I don’t know what to say,
But my heart and my eyes scream “Don’t go! Please Stay.”
Sometimes I feel trapped
inside my own skin
behind my own walls
Trapped by my own decisions
Sometimes I feel trapped
under this roof
She is a lovely little dancing dollTrapped inside this embellished music boxTwist and turn the dial to hear her call
Who am I, but a broken heart?
Who's smile hides not my broken start.
My broken past, my broken home.
The broken father who left me all alone.
Who am I, but the daughter of a strong mother?
Under my sleeves there are scars you see
they were created so deep that they will never leave
constantly reminding me of how much I caused my family to grieve
under this smile you'll soon come to know
Hold it.
Girl, hold the smile.
Hold the pain for a little while.
A while longer,
and they'll see...
But then fear gets the best of me.
Hold it.
Must hold them up.
I hide behind it and look outhow are you?
It nods, acqueses and smiles withoutwho am I?
I see the inside and feel the paindon't show it!
On the surface there's no complaintwhat is it?
*Curtains raise*Enter, a lionA giant golden beast, a main so thick, teeth so largeA growl just barely audible, yet the rumbles vibrate like thunder
We fought I left you didn't run after me.
I ran to fast, finding a path for me.
I threw the bottle and watched it shater.
I saw that one piece that shined and went after.
They don't know how I stay sane.
If I were to tell you apart of me that aches me everyday
There would be a list , an ongoing list that has poisoned me and hindered my fullest potential
This curtain is my protection,
I need it to hide myself from the world.
Paranoia and anxiety is a hard thing to hide,
And it seems no one understands it.
To me I am sweet,
To me I am kind,
Everything I want to say,
but, no- I'll hold back.
Everything you need to know,
but, no- I'll hold back.
Trapped by my inablitiy to form words,
so, yes- I'll hold back.
When I'm biting the dust and eating the dirt,
and when life pushes me to my knees,
I get back up.
I look at the bright side.
When life hands me a lemon and it squirts in my eye,
I don't know how i came to be.
When a deer approaches...
I am suddenly a deer.
I hear the breaking of twigs,
the whoosh of the leaves stirring.
I watch the deer graze...like an alarm for impending hell.
It is a choice.
Those four words have the force, of a thousand.
A thousand words of anger, a thousand words of hate,
Misunderstood, misinformed, is a mind that's in that state.
I was the girl who was closed off
I was the loner
I was the loser
But then I came out of my shell
I got a boyfriend.
I got a best friend.
I found myself
Finally.
And now, to keep myself
I see dead people.
Population: 1.
But there's more on the inside
More voices in that mind
Climbing for the principal's chair, it turns the others mute and says
"Listen girl"
And says
As a shadow,
things can always be seen at different angles,
but as no'one notices you, you loose expression,
you lose that inter-power given to you,
But still stand tall so that all can see,
Forever heed the soldiers call
The blood of innocence shall they steal
And shall king kneel
'Till army fall
The face of purity soldier maul
So still, silent sound
Your lips twitch, almost a smile
Before the mask slips into place
Stoic and as strange as before
Trying to so hard to be what they want
To be anything but yourself
But liitle things shine through
Where have you gone?
you think youre hiding but your wrong
your not insincere or fake or lying
you are you, and you are trying
Becuase when you dig and dig and dig, you wonder who you are at night
Where have you gone?
you think youre hiding but your wrong
your not insincere or fake or lying
you are you, and you are trying
Becuase when you dig and dig and dig, you wonder who you are at night
Behind close doors I actually have a personality but yet to be explored...
Because where my heart lives it rains...alot
And the monster in my closet remains lock
When you grow up believing
that nice is the way to go,
you forget that emotions,
and thoughts
The reason why I please you so much
is to show how I feel so inadequate, to show how I feel I am not enough
So,
should I introduce you to
Miss All-Laughs, Miss All-Smiles, Miss So-Independent, Miss So-Strong?
THE SHY ME WHO HIDES BEHIND AN IMPOSTURE SMILE
NEVER DARES TO RELEASE HERSELF BECAUSE SHES A CHILD
SHE HIDES HER VOICE,TEAR,AND HER LAUGH
TO BLEND IN WTIH THE THE CROWD THAT LAUGHS AT HER BACK
Crying in my room.
I just want to be accepted.
Just want to be loved.
I don't know why it has to be like this.
With so many people that already can't stand me.
How could I ever show them the real me?
Mulan once sang of her reflection
And the words wrapped themselves around me
Like a ribbon tripping me at the shin
Not knowing who I could be
Gay, trans, lesbian, bi
Pretty Every day they tell her she is pretty People she never met They walk up to her and as if it is their duty to humanity they tell her she is so pretty I want to be just like you Perfect A day doesn't go by that she doesn't hear that word The
Folding beneath the weight of a heavy curtain I collapse. If only the pounds of velvet and lace became uncomfortable would I then need to escape. Aside from this dust ridden tapestry I am bright.
At my soul essence, I am deep, forever searching for truth, creative, spiritual, and down to earth. However, it is rare for one to look beyond the surface qualities they see.
Sometimes I press my forefinger into the soft, underneath of my forearm
The milky white flesh is lined with blue
peeking through the translucent blanket
A shell,
Haunted.
I pull gears, yank levers,
A smile, a laugh.
I turn knobs, push buttons,
A step, a jump.
My day, spread thin.
Preparing, maintaining the shell.
Presenting.
Who am I?
It's a tough question, do I answer with my achievements, my dreams, or my friends?
Do you want to know my shining moments or the stories of my scars?
Like clay before it's set with fire, I too am delicate
My heart is not made of stone yet it refuses to be fractured in the presence of others
I'm not immune to judgment but welcome criticism
Who am I, Really?
I know I am a Woman but what make me who I am this very moment?
Who am I, really?
I have a past that's darker than I ever imagined.
Who am I, Really?
Happy, sad, angry, hopeful…
These are emotions behind my mask.
Happy, patient, brave, smart, athletic…
These are the characteristics visible to the public on my special mask
Behind the Curtain sits a man
Surrounded by dice and by books,
By running shoes and painted miniatures,
And no, he’s not alone.
There’s friends and family too,
I’m a nerd, a geek,
I am a five foot two mess.I do not understand the world around my body as the world only understands my soul.I have no idea how life is supposed to roll out,no idea how I feel half the time,
To be honest,
I absolutely hate myself.
My frizzy hair,
my jiggly arms,
my protruding belly.
I hate the way I need make up to
actually feel like I am allowed to exsist.
My stretch marks,
Truth within layers peel away to reveal the real concealed prayers of day to day this will do away with self nay Sayers of the mind seek and find let your reality shine true through the real you so we can too.
No one knows the anxiety I face
Never understanding the difficulties of being in my place
I'm a man, in a womens shell
Forever living every day in my dysphoric hell.
I'm used to being just another guy,
I smile.
I laugh.
I have been described as a hilarious person,
One who makes the days of others.
Im here but then again im not ,surrounded by this noisy world tuned out and in my thoughts im in this predicament my self spun coccoon.Its hard to describe but its like im stuck peering out to a world where im from but from which i cannot become
To see with letters crossed,
A blur of black against white expanse,
Staring, squinting, turning, shaking off,
Words of clarity often lost.
Pounding, throbbing, aching eyes
