Social anxiety
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Been a minute since I felt like Steve,
A longer minute, since I wrote like this.
Happy, is what I need,
Small, how I usually feel.
Been a minute since I felt like Steve,
A longer minute, since I wrote like this.
Happy, is what I need,
Small, how I usually feel.
Heeeeeeeey there....bud. Listen, I'm bad at this.
Remember that time I was weird and it made you uncomfortable?
I was probably trying to be funny, clearly it was a swing and a miss.
I look weird. Everyone thinks I look weird.
Who would want to talk to this awkward mess? No one would.
I can’t breathe. Do they know I can’t breathe?
I walk into the dreaded room
and a familiar feeling overwhelms my senses
as I look around me
and observe all the smiling faces and joyous outbursts
the pit of worry in my stomach expands
I stand alone
in a sea of swirling faces,
unsure of what to say, what to do.
I feel their penetrating gazes on my back,
judging me for my timidity.
I bob adrift in the current,
waiting for an anchor.
What’s wrong with me?
It’s not that big of a deal
People interact with strangers daily
Just make a joke and smile
It works almost all the time
Call lights shining,
alarms ringing,
people racing,
I'm in over my head.
Long lectures,
rushed notes,
early mornings,
I'm in over my head.
Blood pressure rising,
get out...
get OUT...
get out of your head...
Don't be so awkward...
Socialize...
I stand in the corner of the room holding a cold cup.
One foot forward, then back.
By myself, I am so calm,
But, in a group
Hot sweat lingers on my palms.
My heart begins to pound,
I begin breathing shorter and faster
I feel the anxiety all around.
I take a breath.
Silence bubbles up to ears and muffles
The sound surrounding me. My
Hands curling, my fingers dig into my palm
With the viciousness only found in survival.
I take a breath.
My heart is racing, I don't know why it keeps beating really fast.
Each day I wake up, putting on this mask.
I get afraid to do certain things, very easy, simple tasks.
I want to thank the thing that held the muscles at the back of my throat painfully tight every time I have thought of speaking.
Now that I have floated down from that whisper of existence,
Bright humanity can only make me smile.
Surrounded by voices; I was a <murmur>.
Fear had stolen my lips away,
Locked them in a vault under the sea-
Why?
My mind was confused.
When I see people,
I over-analyze all the possible outcomes that could happen.
"They look busy, I won't bother them"
"They have enough friends, why would they need one more?"
I don’t enjoy speaking out
In social situations
The unfamiliar – thinly veiled-
And uncomfortable
Trembling in my voice
As I say something that does not sound – does not
Emit – what I want to say and
Dear Anxiety,
I’d like to say it’s been a while,
but that’d be a lie.
I saw you yesterday.
We sat and you told me everything I didn’t want to hear.
I wish they knew how it feels to be me.
I wish I could cry for help, fall to the ground and…
I wish they knew that award ceremonies are lose-lose situations
When words
are too much
and thoughts - too little
My message to you
may never be received -
for, I -a novice in
communications - have no way to encode.
No medium fits me
God why can’t I talk fluently to others?
My words become indistinct, just fragments
In my head their fervour cause a shutter
An impact captivating like a comet
Dressed but aloof
I count the hours
The heels of my boots tapping
The hours seem so trapping
Standing tall
But feeling
small
autism is a spectrum disorder not a curable disease
I overthink the simplest things often blowing them out of proportion
I cannot do what most people can
Most can leave their house without their heart racing like a thousand horses
I hope you find someone whoyou can lock eyes with and notwant to look away.Who will order for youwhen you're too anxious to do it yourself.A person who is happy to ask the questions
Do you see me?
I see you
walk straight through
my body of mist
I am water
to you
And you are dehydrated
Your scratchy toungue reaches out and strangles me
I never learned to read
I can't comprehend how letters form words which make sentences
And for every tap, twitch, and twindle there is a book being written
I was never taught how to analyze a story
That's not how it works,Being a wallflower.There aren't perks.The reality is, to make friends,you have to talk first.
You all are followers
You seem to forget identity.
You all are in search of conformity
You seem to settle with docility.
Opinions are not for sale
They have gone out of style.
Happiness
Fake smiles
Fake laugh
Fake happy
Fake
Negative/Negative/Negative
No,
Nephews hugging me
Parents hugging me
Sisters hugging me
Friends hugging me
I walk down the empty road as a single car glides past
I keep my head down as to avoid eye contact
I wonder if they saw my eyes, how they are filled with fear.
Not many people understand what the problem is here.
I'm there green air as i twirl my curly hair
one speaks to me i want to flee
to the warmth of my home i want to retreat
Hello
words used in ordinary conversations
lip biting, awkards movements
They don't know about it.
The anxiety I face.
When I have to go to a place,
Where I know little to no people.
From working at the restaurant,
To a party at my friend's place.
There are days in which my forearm remembers stories that I made up,
That haunt me and forebode potential illusions.
I remember days in which there were many of these days within a day.
Stop.
Rewind.
I didn't just wake up at 5 am
to sit in a classroom full of people I can't look in the eye
I didn't answer that question with spam
I'm not thinking about the face somebody gives to you
lips shut tight
what i might say won't be right
always silent, out of sight
never argue or put up a fight
I wish my voice could ring like a GONG!
I wish I could tell someone they are WRONG!
Please, don't touch me.
But, please, hug me.
Please, make sure everything is in order.
But, please, let me do it.
Please, don't make eye contact with me.
But, please, tell me my blue eyes are pretty.
I'm always inside
Inside my room,
Inside my mind,
Inside my shell,
Can't seem to get outside of myself
Even when crowds are loud, their presence confines me,
Facebook, Twitter, the 'Gram
It's all make believe, like a fairytale
People will go to the 'Gram,
Afraid to meet their eyes
Afraid to look away
Afraid to speak my mind
Afraid of letting silence stay
Afraid my true colors will show
Afraid they'll never see
This is just a glimpse inside
Mirror,
Mirror.
you can see me,
but can you hear me?
Please tell me you're not like them,
you don't just see what's on the outside,
you can hear me.
You know me,
I hide behind a mask of hurt, insecurity and rejection.
Maybe its because I was never a boy's first selection, not having an hour glass figure really killed
I am more than a face you may remember.
My life has been full of secrets
My thoughts much protected
My personality a big puzzle
The world only sees
What I want them to see
The true me is a mystery
I crumble behind the scenes
I smiled once today
And it was a miracle, see,
For the first time in months
There was a girl of shows and books
She had no regard to looks
She was quiet
Unless she had something to say
Many found this annoying
So quiet she would stay
Her friends were fictional
I try to show you all the stuff I'm capable
But this wall is just inescapable
The wall has a name
But giving it a name, doesn't make it easier to tame
I tried crossing over it
how do i get through?
do i take the long way?
do i take the short?
how about the easy?
no, what about the hard?
how do i see through?
do i look right?
or do i look left?
Am I more like the lone tree of the Prairie?
Of the Savanna?
Tall, tanned with a puff on top.
No one sees my roots.
Are they are lost?
Unseen, un-kept?
Words don’t define me,
I see light ahead of me
Darkness Behind
Clouds to the side
Fog making me blind
I see the oceans above me
And stars underneath my feet
I see a door
and my voice is the key
A kind of plastic bag, maybe?
Because it hugs my skin with a hundred little teeth
Pulling so tight my breath is hot and sticky
On my lips, but does not reach very far.
My eyes hunger for objectivity
Share your ideas!
Raise your hand more often!
Ask questions during lecture!
These are things teachers tell you.
I understand
That work involves coworkers
I understand
That the ability to speak my mind may help me
I understand
That you think this is good for me
But I also understand
why call on a student
whos hand is not raised?
they do not know the answer
so why must you do it?
to embarass them?
to yell at them?
you say its to "encourage them"
but they do not feel that way
Not meeting your gazedoesn't mean I'm hiding somethingI'm just not comfortablegiving you temporary accessto my soul
What do I have to say?
That I know anything?
Can I tell you to grab my hand and follow me through the woods?
And I will lead you to the path towards enlightened good
Or will we get lost
Mr. T, I do NOT pity the fools who mess with you; I pity you.
I see you stand on your soapbox, acting like you have a clue.
You preach. Profess what you don't know, Professor.
often;
I must fight against forces of which I have no power over.
certainly;
Those around me maybe able to overcome such obstacles, but..
surely;
Friday
I need to deposit this check and I need to buy food.
But I fear the banker’s scowl and that cashier who was rude.
I forget the proper way to fill in the deposit slip
Pulling aside the dark curtain, sunlight falls in
Like a spilled bottle, the light runs over me
Shrinking away from the light till my eyes adjust
You fill in my stomacah and make me quail and quiver depending
on how I look at your useless intent at making me deliver
a false pretense of myself before others knowing that I
would not even front for my brother whose
Phony smiles play at tired lips
Passing through the halls hearing whispers unspoken
Sitting at a desk, feet shuffling impatiently against the floor
