For Your Pleasure

For Your Pleasure

There was a study done at the University of Nicosia 

stating that I, 

a woman-loving, 



of a lesbian 

only exists for male pleasure 

I hate to sound like such a lesbian 

but I believe that this “study” was conducted by a very, very confused man 

And I know confusion intimately 

as I have spent over half of my life 

confined to confusion, anger, and guilt 

shackled to homophobic rhetoric 

I know confusion intimately 

from the comfortable walls of self-loathing 

collapsing in upon itself 

when I began my romantic endeavors with men 

from how my heart imploded 

with my first kiss with a woman 

and the plummeting feeling of regret that followed

from the dissociation 

originating from the frigidity of my parent’s assimilation

and a whiskey laced bible with a metal hanger stricken if not answered quick enough 

(funny how a drunken stupor can make 

radical peace and love 

sound like bigotry and hate) 

I know confusion intimately.


So, let me ask you:

is it pleasurable for you 

to see a woman racked with guilt and self-hate 

riddled with anxiety coupling with internalized homophobia

is it pleasurable for you

to know about the abolishment of my inner voice 

incessant nagging 

drowned out by familial sneers

anxiety that imbibed from my backbone 

till I shattered beneath the lenses of a heterosexuality

is it pleasurable for you

to know that I got on knees 

in the back of a 1999 Toyota Camry

as if to pray 

to beg, 

“Don’t let me be gay 

Don’t let me be gay 

Please dear god, 

Don’t let me be a fucking queer” 

as he finished in my mouth  

Is this pleasurable for you?

Because let me remind you, 

everything I do 

is for your pleasure 

Because even though I am a lesbian,

first and foremost, 

I am a woman: 

an attention seeking whore, 

a slut, 

just a hole, 

only good for one thing,

a pretty face, 

a doll 

Please allow me to reiterate 

that I am a doll—



and obviously here for your own amusement 

regardless of my



or even if I have any desire to 

(but of course I’ll always desire you, big boy)

But wa-ai-ait a minute! 

If boys will be boys,

and boys don’t play with dolls, 

where exactly does that leave me?

More importantly, 

where does that leave you? 

Other than your own self-construed limbo of homosexual repression 

But then again, 

who could be surprised 

with all the “meat” that men are “suppose to eat”  


We as women 

live in a vacuum 

where every conscious and subconscious action 

has direct correlation

to the men around us and their ego

where we have to contemplate for every behavior 

for reasons outside of ourselves 

where we cannot just simply be

There was a study done at the University of Nicosia 

stating that I,

a woman-loving,



of a lesbian, 

only exists for male pleasure  

I hate to sound like “such a lesbian” 

so I’ll speak frankly as a woman: 

regardless, I can assure you 

that I don’t do a single goddamn thing

for your pleasure


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