"You did this"

I think this as I try to sleep my first night at my fourth foster home that year.

I am ony six years old.

As that night was not cold, my heart was chilling to my soul,

reliving the pain that night you took a gun to your head.

Now you're forever dead.

No father to guide a family of six, no money, no green card for my mentally sick mother and eldest sister to stay, no home, no school, no food, no family, no relief from this nightmare...

"You did this."

I think this the first time my foster brother threatened to hurt me and take advantage of me.

I think this when I am given yet another family and the mother is just as sick as my own.

I think this at awkward visitations with my mother and hearing her plea for her children.

I think this when my mother refuses all the help she receives from anyone.

I think this when my old home burns down, and my eldest sister and mother are arrested for sleeping in Wal-Mart.

I think this when I am asked to choose a new name.

I think this when people act surprised to find out I'm Mexican due to my lack of culture.

No comfort from the change is available,

nobody cares for this little, fatherless girl with a lost identity.

All I can think is "Yes, I am breakable."

But, "You are not replaceable."

"You did this."

I think this as I discover the school underestimated how smart I am.

I think this when I learn to love reading, writing, school, running, and violin to escape.

I think this when my siblings got adopted to the same family as me.

I think this as my friends care more about me personally than my past

I think this when I see myself look more and more like you.

I think this as I'm introduced to Christianity and the realization that I do have a Father.

My Father loves me even more than you ever could.

My Father let you be released from the pain as you should.

And my heavenly Father has built a home for me where I will meet you again.

I will never be alone without you because others love me too.

Your decision has lead me to who I am today, but you can't change me anymore, anyway.

All my family's pain has been erased

because of my loving Father's grace.

You caused this.

You didn't do this.