you think i dont love you. i dont dont dont because im mean. you dont know that i do. i really do but i cant tell you. i already tried to love you but that didnt work. you told me i was only upset because of my stupid teenager brain. my feeling feeling feelings dont count you say. theyre just chemicals and hormones. but shouldnt they count? shouldnt they count because theyre mine? no you say. im wrong. youre always right. you could do no wrong. i try to tell you you can. everybodys wrong sometime. you dont want to hear it. to you its always me whos wrong. thats fine. its also why i cant love you anymore. loving you hurts when im always wrong. but when i dont love you im not not always wrong. but then my brain tells me i am. its not not not fair. i tried to give you my heart but that didnt work so i took it back. i didnt know you got to keep my brain. my brain is like you. i dont like it. it tells me im wrong wrong wrong all the time now. or maybe thats you. i tell my brainyou that thats not true. even a broken clock is right twice a day. my brainyou doesnt want to hear it. to it im always wrong. i wonder what id be like if i didnt have you. i joke about saying that someone else was my parent. by face laughs but my eyes dont. you dont care to look farther than my face. you laugh with my face. you like to tell me how good you are. how youre better and i should be grateful that youre not worse. you think you deserve a medal for that. maybe you do. its hard to appreciate having better than something i cant imagine. someone told me i dont have to be grateful for having it better than someone else. you wouldnt like them. you would probably fight. i hope you would lose. in the end it wouldnt matter though. my eyes would tell me you lost but you would tell me you won. my brain would be confused confused. it would probably tell me you won too. i wish my brain would leave because i cant trust it. it would be easier if i didnt love you. but i still do. i think i remember a time when you were gentle words and hugs. or maybe my brain tells me i do im not sure. either way i remember it. sometimes i think youre still like that. deep deep deep down you still care. i give you chances. i tell you thinks in confidence. please dont tell anyone else i say. its private. i would never you say when have i ever done that before? you sound offended. i dont think you have a right to be but i let it go. im trusting you now so it doesnt matter. the next day youre lover knows. it okay you say. you can trust him. i dont trust him. i dont think i trust you either but who knows. the day after that everyone knows. i ask you about it. you never told me i couldnt tell people you say. yes i did i say. no you didnt you respond. i would remember. i wish i could remember. now im not so sure i said that. i wish there was a camera recording my life. then id have something i could trust.