Write What You Know

People always say write what you know

What I know is that I feel empty at 5PM even though my loneliness isn’t as romantic as when the clock strikes 2AM

What I know is that I fill other people’s cups so full that when the pitcher gets to me it is empty

What I know is that I kissed your lips so many times that I’ll never be able to forget you

What I know is that I made you the universal name for all the people that made me love them in crooked arms and limbs

I’ve become so many things over time

Yet what I do not know is how you could stand up and leave

What I do not know is how my mother could hurt me so much

What I do not know is how he could have done those things to me

And now I’m crying in your arms trying to forget his touch

And you ask me if I got hurt

And I say yes

And you ask me if someone hurt me

And I say yes

And I become this shell of a person who’s unsure of their own value and dissolving into your arms for security

Because his twisted touches destroyed my purity

And now you and all the other yous before and after this

Will need to learn not to touch me on certain days

And I will have to explain to them why I am afraid of the dark and why I seem to only sleep at 4 o’clock

But I never acknowledge that the monster was under my own roof

Because not even God can make this world monster proof

And I am so afraid that one of the yous will become a him

Because graphs and charts and statistics show that we seek what destroyed us and he destroyed me

And I am trying to write what I know

But all I know is that my mother left

And he left me vacant

And you are standing on the corner of here and gone

And I am so afraid

I am so desperate

To know that someone will stay

That you will stay

That my value will be exponentially higher than 1

That my love will mean something to someone

That my skin will someday feel normal when touched by a man’s hands

Because I am falling rapidly down a rapid hole of love for you

And there are no handrails on the sides

But I’m still standing here 7/10 in love with you

2/10 in love with the you before you

1/10 in love with who I could have been if my body had not been used

But the fractions and phrases and poetry cannot save me from the nightmares and triggers and the feelings of being abused

But if I write and I write what I know

Then I pray I can write him away

and I can write you in

And write the me I am becoming in

Because my heart has so many eraser marks on it that a teacher would tell me to rewrite it

Life is filled with befores and afters

But I don’t want you to ever end

I am standing here composing a better story for myself

Yet I still can’t reach whatever’s on that shelf

If I drew a monster it would look like him

If I drew a monster’s master it would look like my mother

I cannot put a postmark on recovery

I cannot mail it for a speedy delivery

I cannot call it by name

But all I know is that I’m not the one to blame

So I am getting out of bed everyday

I am watching the sun rise and set at bay

I am becoming

I have been

I will be

Not the things that have happened

But the things I decided I needed to be

These things don’t include Pretty

or proper or poised or sexy or beautiful or shy or unintelligent or bold

Because I got tired of trying to be the walking definition of the phrase dream girl

I got tired of destroying myself trying to find a reason why he did it

I got tired of trying to explain evil

Because evil does not have a name

It is the creeping thing in the night that makes you run up the stairs when you turn off the light

Evil doesn’t have a home

It sleeps under your bed and behind your closet doors

And evil doesn’t have a cure

And neither does depression

And neither does the feeling you get when you tell your boyfriend what really happened

But we all possess hope

We all believe the mail will come tomorrow

And that Christmas will be good

And that there is an end to all our stress and sorrow

And we believe that there is a greater amount of good than evil

And we believe that tomorrow can be better

Tomorrow will be better

And I will wake up to you

And I will bury the him that still chases me in the night

And I will love myself before I love music or pictures or poetry

Because things are getting better

And this is me writing what I know.

 

Comments

Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.
 

 

If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741