I’m having trouble handing you my heart

It’s not your fault

They say, “Dive in, vulnerability is beautiful”

But it’s not worth the sobbing and seemingly endless aching

I’ve been there before

And sure, I feel over it now

But for me, love is permanently associated with pain

 

 

It’s not your fault I ponder that

Maybe we moved too fast

Blinded by infatuation

Now we know too much

Is that bad?

Are you bored yet?

 

It’s not your fault I wonder if

Maybe it was best when you were totally enamored by me

We were strangers but something felt so familiar

I was just a mystery

And completely smitten with your one earring wearing, 70s blazer rocking self

 

It’s not your fault that I’m afraid

Maybe things were more exciting then

As if the beginning was the climax

And we’re approaching a dull halt

Now you’ve seen too much of me

Mentally, physically, and worst of all, emotionally

You’ve crept into every dark place where there’s cobwebs and lies

What’s hidden under “she’s too nice”

And now you must think I’m a freak

Well, I’d agree

 

It’s not your fault I’m terrified by

How eager I am to text you back

I swear I’m not usually that fast

Ask anyone

I find something new to admire about you every time we hang out

The way you look at me,

No, the way you look into me

And I mean you really look with your whole heart and soul and you truly, deeply look into me

How do you do that?

 

It’s especially not your fault

I’m pushing you away

because everything you do,

Everything about you

Pulls me in

You’re like a whirlpool

So it’s okay

Maybe we’re okay

It’s only instinct to fight back,

To feel petrified, confused and even a little angry that I dove into you in the first place

Blatantly dismissing my own fears

Eventually,

I’ll hold my breath and submit to the vortex

S.W.