A Word

And at some point it became just a word 


So many times I was told I love you 

And they were lies 

But fuck did I love you 

Mine weren’t 

And I still do 

Despite all the pain you caused 

I love you 

Because at one point you were my medicine 

You healed so much of my pre existing pain 

I guess you had saved me 

So even though the pain you caused by leaving was more than before you came 

You helped me 

So I love you 

But that word means nothing now 

I hate you means just as little 

Because I don’t 

If you’d text me tomorrow 

I’d cry and welcome you back with open arms 

Apologizing for driving you away 

And telling you how much I love you 

Because I truly do 

You still mean everything to me 

I watch your profile everyday to make sure you’re happy 

And healthy 

It hurts to see you interacting with your other friends like you did with me 

I just see how I wasn’t really special 

Or needed 

Or actually loved 

I hate that I still cry about you

When it’s late at night 

And I hate myself more than I normally do 

You’re the first in my thoughts 

Is it because I’m thinking of the person I love or hate most?

I guess I’ll never know 

If anyone else had done this to me I’d despise them for the emotional damage 

But you 

I’ll always forgive you 

Love you 

Want you 

Because you made me feel for the first time in a long time 

My mistake was telling you that 

Because you made me feel more than once

The second time you did almost killed me 

But damn do I love you

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