Without Rhyme Or Reason (was what it feels like)




It’s ice in my heart,

the memories now;

Deep slices in a once warm soul.

Flashes of moments,

Words that were spoken.

Blue eyes so pale

Just like the ocean

Even now I see them,

And I am overcome with the feeling of floating.

 Is it strange that I don’t remember

The first time we spoke?

I remember the way you held your shoulders,

Tall, straight, proud

But not proud, humble.

You just always seemed so sure.

When you stuttered in the car,

The slip ups in your voice,

That was unlike you.

I think I knew then

That you were dreaming of more

Than my small heart was giving.

I didn’t want to admit then

That I wished you would take a sudden, hard fall

Right into my life.

And you did.

You hand patting the steering wheel,

Like an impatient child,

“You okay?”

“I just… I have something on my mind”.

It was just like you

To start out by saying

“You’re beautiful”.

Have you any idea

How that is glued into my mind?

I remember it all so clearly,

(Much clearer than I should,

So much it makes me guilty even now).

Your shirt was blue.

The street by the elementary school.

It was almost 10:45.

The street lights on my knees.

The light from the dashboard.

I swallowed my gum—

(I’m sure it’s still in there,

Sitting in my stomach,

Like a hollow reminder of it all)

--as you told me you adored me.

“I never expected this to happen”

Never expected what?

To love?

And then, it all went

We went, or I guess, went together.

Breakfast at my favorite place,

Lunch at our favorite café.

“You’re everything I ever wanted”

“You’re everything I ever wanted too”

(It sounds so foolish,

But I think it was the best kind of silliness,

The kind that people live for

But never admit to wanting)

You hated coffee,

But drank it to make me smile.

And even now,

You drink it everyday

(Do you think of me?)

Cliché phrases,

“I got you under my skin”

but when you said it,

Everything changed.

 New Year’s Eve,

Wednesday afternoons,

Friday nights,

There was you and me

Driving in your truck,

You played a song about lying on the ground,

About forgoing the world for each other.

You played songs about lightning strikes,

And lovers of light,

And waiting for me.

“Forever” you said

And when I questioned your comprehension of the phrase,

You said, “You’re worth it”.

10 years is a long time,

But you said you’d wait.

(Are you still waiting?

Begging time to go faster?)

The Christmas Party,

“You look lovely tonight”

It fell out of your lips

As if you hadn’t meant to say it,

but couldn’t utter anything less.

I wanted to dance with you

But you ever asked.

“I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say”

Such an excuse,

But I loved that you thought of it.

You had so many dreams,

The ones of someday,

Of us, of you, and me.

Together, one being.

 (I yearned for it, I did).

I never told you

I wanted to hold your hand.

And then the day,

“No more”

And then me, weeping,

And then you, weeping,

And then you, saying,

“I need you to know

Every moment I spent with you

Was the best moment of my life”.

And I cried more.

On the phone,

Do you know that it killed me?

I almost threw up

Right there, in the car.

 I wanted to die.

I wanted you

To do something I could hate

But you didn’t.

And I hated that,

But I still adored you.

Now, here we are

In some strange sort of limbo,

Neither coming nor going.

The choice not even ours,

But it’s best.

I think.

 I hope.

Some days are hard,

Others are harder.

You said once

That your life was the best seller

Tell me,

Is this the end of a chapter,

Or the start of another?

I wish I could tell you.

I don’t know myself.

All I know,

Is pale blue eyes,

Looking into my own,

And saying,

“I love you.”

And that is stuck in my mind

I couldn’t peel it away

Even if I wanted to.

(And I don’t).


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