Who Am I?

Sometimes I feel as though there are more than one me. I’m not as crazy as I sound, trust me. Yes, I know that’s funny. Sometimes it seems as though there are two people living inside of me, both trying to break free and be the dominant one. My problem seems to be that I can’t choose who to set free and who to suppress. 
On one hand I have the jovial me. The one that is always happy, always cheerful and sweet. Never wants to hurt anyone’s feelings or let anyone down. I’ve seen my self try to please three people all at the same time already knowing I wouldn’t be able to do it, but I was of course willing to try. This me is also everyone’s friend. Love’s everyone no matter who they are, what they do, or (in some cases) how annoying they are. It’s what this me does- makes everyone but my self happy. I am more than able to tell you what’s wrong with this me in one, single word. Pushover. Plain and simple. Everyone will come to this me and talk about this and that and know I will listen and offer advice and a kind word. They will go away happy, but I’m still left with nothing because I give and give and get . . . Nothing. Unless you count that helping-other-people-feel-good- makes-me-feel-good feeling I get sometimes, then ok I get something. However, no matter how good this me makes others feel, I am never truly happy because I don’t know how to help my self. Now while I try to fight and keep this side up most of the time (which I succeed at doing by the way) there’s that, other, pesky side that’s always knocking on my door.

In the other corner I have the angry me. This me is starting to rear it’s very ugly head once too often recently. Oh, sure, I have tons to be angry about but that doesn’t mean I like having an angry side. This is the me that can sit and listen to someone talk about something that’s going on in their life and while the jovial me is intently listening, the angry me is wishing they would shut the fuck up and get over it because I’ve got my own damn problems. Why should I care what the hell they are going through? I have a baby to raise, on my own at that, and I have rent that‘s due, food to buy, and bills to pay. They can call this me when they’ve been up all night with a baby who’s crying because she’s just got her shots and still have to go to school the next day. While this me sits and stews about all that is shit in my life, the other me is on. Full spotlight mode for the other me, except those times when I let the angry me come to the surface for a little air time. This is when I’m cursing people out, yeah they deserved it but still it’s not nice (that‘s the jovial side speaking out of turn, so you know). This me is bad with my daughter, too, and that’s when I’m actually glad for the other me to show up. This me doesn’t really realize that she’s still a baby in so many ways but want’s her to grow up like I did, which is way too fast. At the drop of a dime this me can talk shit about people and feel good about smiling in their face later. This me also brings with it moments of serious depression. It’s gotten to the point where I will feel utterly and completely alone. Like I have no friends and everyone is out to get something from me and that’s why they even put up with me. A pity friend/charity case pretty much. This me can go weeks without talking to any family and like it. No, love it. The only word I will use to sum this me up is bitch. That’s it. Only a bitch would feel like this and act this way. A crazy, sad, and depressed bitch.

So those are the two me’s that I’m face with battling every day of my life. The sappy push over, and the manic bitch. Two halves of a whole crazy cherry pie (I don’t really like cherries). When I’m in between the two, which are usually times like now, I’m able to wonder at how I even accomplishing this from day to day without going mad. The truth is I have no idea, and it’s driving me nuttier. It really boils down to what I said before. Two halves of a whole, you can’t have one without the other and one half can’t be bigger than the other because then it wouldn’t be a half anymore now would it? Since I’m getting pretty good at using one word let me sum up the solution to this diabolical conundrum - i.e. problem. 
All of life is about balance, about not having too much of one thing and too little of another. For me it would be continuing to listen and helping those I care about, but not letting everyone walk all over me because it’s the ‘nice thing’ to do. And sometimes I can take the low road and it will be ok. The world will not end, and I won’t turn in to a werewolf either. If I could somehow combine both the jovial me and the angry me and come to some sort of mutual understanding I will be able to stop this mental push and pull and be . . . Shaquan


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