where tears turn into blood, and screams into silence

dear anorexia and bulimia,

 

oh, how I loathe the relationship we have.

you’ve raised me up higher than I ever could have dreamed,

only to throw me down

from a higher point each time,

cracking my bones and drawing blood on the concrete.

but I keep crawling back to you,

dragging my sorry bum through mud and grime.

 

can’t you see I just want your attention?

your approval?

can’t you give me any credit?

over and over I destroy myself for your satisfaction

constantly shifting positions to avoid resting on one bone

for far too much time,

taunting and torturing myself in drops of water and crumbs of cake.

 

you promised me that I’d be rewarded for my efforts,

that people would look at me

with humble eyes

and a gracious smile

and that you would be there with me, the entire time.

where are you now?

 

you wanted great

I provided spectacular

but then you realized you could ask for superior,

and suddenly

all my work turned fruitless.

 

you walked into my life

as if it were a worn in welcome mat

without an invitation,

my heart missing from each cursive letter

 

you promised me that you could

make everything right again

take my pain and fear

and replace them with joy and pride

 

you lied.

and I didn’t realize it at first

when it was barely setting in

but you’ve been exposed now.

 

and as I double over in the bathroom

tears mixing with saliva

as my brain strains to calculate each kilocalorie

sitting in my distended stomach

but, oh!

where are those kilocalories now?

but lying at my feet

fulfilling your promise that I’d never feel

the pain, never face the fears.

 

but as I lay

curled up in a ball

with my teeth crumbling into my hands

and acid dripping from my nose

I look to you with resentment and

unconditional malice.

 

long gone are all of the qualities

that once made me unique

gone are my friends,

my motivation,

the baby fat that creased into dimples

with every smile I cracked

gone is my identity;

somehow, you’ve become

all I seem to know.

 

I hunger for hunger, but I fear it just as badly.

“just one more bite,”

comes your calming voice,

“you won’t even gain an ounce”

 

but my friend, I believe you forgot

the disclaimer

of losing just about everything else.

 

This poem is about: 
Me
Guide that inspired this poem: 
Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 

Comments

Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.
 

 

If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741