She looked in my eyes and asked me, "What other things have you said before me?"
Darling, where do I even begin?
Do I begin a few days before I met you when I said, "No idea of where we'll be but I know that if you're near everything will be... alright" when it didn't end alright?
Or do I begin when the moments that held me back from pursuing you ended in, "That collar you wore can never be as tight as this noose around my neck but realize you were the perfect one and we were the perfect two."
Or maybe we're better of starting when I realized the peaches in my oatmeal are apples.
Hours spent conjuring collegiate sentences of scholarly caliber all to be wasted on psuedo sentiment driving me further into my torment.
There once was a time when I perceived these words to have meaning and that its meaning would sustain but like all good things and all good people they start to refrain.
It's only my fault yes I'm to blame for sharing emotions in false hopes that I'd be loved for who I am but when I couldn't even love myself all I could spread was hate.
Self-hatred is something I'm all too familiar with and my spineless ways hid me from talking to you for two whole years.
Investing time into ones who only wanted to invest in my words.
False phrases and blank gazes got me higher than their loveless hazes.
"You have a way with words. I can see your hurt when you trail off."
I've learned that what hurts the most is his thoughts when he looked at you, his heart screaming, "Target the insecure girls. The ones who are to weak. The ones that hide behind the words that they will never speak."
Knowing that we could've avoided his damages leaves me up at night damning his non-existent heart and dwelling in the doldrums of where I once was.
I was seeking lust but got tired and began to chase love and dear I guess we're in luck because we've fallen while on the run.
When I say I love you don't confuse it for lust because I know what it's like to wake up screaming because you've lost all trust.
These words could be as hollow as the previous of the same caliber but I learned a thing or two crying into your arms telling you that lust kills love, it kills trust, and it prevents me from seeing what I want from us.
You holding me physically and accountable held me together and has kept me whole since.
For once in my life I won't make a promise of forever because the previous four went straight out the door like filthy... girls.
But when we whispered, "We can try" it assured me what love is.
And for once in my life, I looked her in the eyes, and told her where it all began.