I've never been anyone's anything past one night. It's hard to feel love of any kind in a situation like that. He tolde he loved me, but only ever when the lights were down. When we kissed alcohol was the only thing I ever tasted on his lips. I wish there was a way to convey the depth of love I felt for him in the moment he entered me. The way that I didn't hurt anymore. The fact that he was my first time... that every encounter with a man I had until him was rape. That for the first time in my life I understood what making love really meant. But, no matter how often we layed with each other, no matter how hard I kissed his lips it was never love to him and I knew that. I was so painfully aware of the lack of love in his eyes. But, in that moment, I felt it was better than nothing. That one sided love was still love. Even now after he got married I question if he thinks of me. If there's still a part of him that wants to be friends. When a certain song comes on does he think of me as often as I think of him? Does he miss the brotherhood we shared. We were supposed to be together forever, even live together, is it bad that a part of me hopes he gets divorced? Does that make me a bad person? I just want my best friend back, my brother, screw whatever romance still lingers in my heart. I just miss having someone care about me. No, not someone, him. He made me feel like no one was more important in his life than me. Maybe I'm being selfish. I'm just sick of sacrificing all I am for a future nobody. I'm just scared of the moment when I have nothing more to give. But, then again, giving everything I am for the people I love was all I was really good at. And at the end of the day I have to believe that's something.