What if I Love You

What if I could live in a world in which I never fell for you? What if I never fell for you? What if I never fall again? Never feel the scrape of my knees hitting earth again. Never feel my hands gripping soil trying to catch myself before I fall apart again. Trying to save myself from shattering into a million pieces again. What if you hurt me? What if I let you hurt me and did nothing? What if I’m sorry that you hurt me? It doesn’t matter now. Every word you said that night was a blade between my lungs searching for my heart, not knowing that there’s nothing left, not knowing that you took the only parts of it that I still possessed. Not knowing how empty I feel without you. I can still remember how your touch felt on my skin like I had finally found the lightning in my storm. I can still hear your laughter like thunder crashing into my veins and finding their way to my stomach where they became butterflies. What if I miss the butterflies? What if I can’t feel them anymore? What if they’re gone forever? Wings pinned against my abdominal wall, forced to stop flying. A display for all the food that I’ve eaten to try and replace you. Aging and fading til they are dust and even the memory of how they made me feel is gone. I remember that look in your eyes with that stupid grin. Eyes like oceans that I could get lost in and be happy to be lost in. Drifting away, happy to be near you. Happy just to see you. Those damn eyes. I’m certain I’ll never again see eyes that make me feel how yours did. I’ll never again see a smile that was so talented at forcing itself upon me. Curling my lips to my cheeks like a newspaper crackling in a fire. Whenever I look at your face or hear the challenge in your voice my cheeks would transform into tomatoes and no matter how hard I tried to pretend, I couldn’t hide the emotion. What if I miss you? What if I need you? What if I love you? Or is this just another story with a less than happy ending?

This poem is about: 


Jordan Smalls




Thanks! They are with someone else now which hurts, but it’s time for me to move on.

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