I know I am lonely.

I am lonely when alone in my room at 5:30am

and I am lonely when surrounded by a crowd of people

and I am definitely lonely now.

I know I am lonely, even perpetually so, because

I find myself lying awake at night screaming

"Will you love me will some one love me"

and not in a familial way because I know they love me

they almost love me too much if that's possible

but romantically because family has to love you

it's part of the job description

and friends don't have to choose just you

I have numerous friends who love me and I love them dearly

but they can't give me what I need

I need to know that someone out there is going to look at me and say

"I love you so much that I that I am not willing to love the rest of my life without you

that I am so enamoured by you that I would give up the freedom that is unattachment

to be attached to you until my death."

Is that so much to ask for?

I don't feel loved because no one has chosen just me

no one wants just me.

And maybe that's selfish but I really don't give a damn

because there's no one to hold me at night when I cry

and there's no one to touch me and run their fingers through my hair

which is something I secretly love for people to do but no one does that anymore

because I cut my hair

and I'm terrified that the reason boys don't notice me is because they think I'm a lesbian.

And there's no one I can share my secrets with without fear of shame

because they didn't choose me and only me.

Because they were saddled with me at my birth.

Because they can always move on to another friend when they get tired of my

and my neediness for validation and there's always another friend.

Why do I have this obsession with being chosen?

Even God didn't choose just me He chose the world

and that world just happened to include me

and sometimes I wish it didn't not in a suicidey kind of way

but a literal curiosity of

"What would the world be like without me in it?"

And maybe this poem doesn't have a happy ending or a joyful revelation

because, quite frankly, I don't know.

and I don't know if I ever will know.

But I do know that I have loneliness.

And I know that loneliness is more welcoming than rejection.

And I know that I don't always think this way.

But for now, that's just my truth.