7:36- my alarm goes off and my eyelids are cement walls that are being pried open by a mother who’s only reasoning for doing so is ‘because i want to’

9:00- my first class starts and i’m learning about balancing equations. the doctors can’t seem the balance the chemicals in my brain. how am i supposed to balance the unknown when i can’t even balance myself? 

10:11- it’s 2nd period and we’re learning how to calculate wave length and frequency. i shouldn’t want to know this, but i do because my tear ducts are dams and soon they will break and i need to know how hard the flood’s gonna hit. 

11:01- 3rd period. hola. i’m expected to learn a new language when i’m still here being challenged to express myself in a language i’ve known since day 1. how could i possibly learn to conjugate verbs in spanish when my tongue is nothing but a precipitate that creates civil wars in my body that were never needed in the first place. 

12:27- mathematics mathematics mathematics. only 23 more minutes in the longest class of the day. i have no reason to learn this other than the fact that yesterday we learned how to find the roots of a rational equation and because i already know my problems are inversely related to my past. so now maybe i can help my therapist find the roots of this equation so he could actually help me. 

12:51- it’s time for lunch, but why would i eat when i could write the hunger away? now is the time for choices! let’s see let’s see. i could: a- sit on my laptop in the cafeteria that smells like decomposing souls with people i think care about me. b- sit in the bathroom, which smells like a total shithole, but at least i don’t have to socialize. or c- go bother dave, ms guerra, or some other teacher that says i can eat in their room, but i’m not stupid, i may not have good grades, but i’m not an idiot. decisions decisions. 

13:34- today we’re learning about the french revolution. Napoleon was made fun of for his height, deaths occurred around every corner, and nobody was content. today i’m learning that maybe our ancestors were as unhappy as us. 

14:56- today in english class we’re analyzing a poem and i need to act as if i can’t see the pain flying off the words on the page because it would be weird to relate to an old poet, right? 

15:49- today in athletics we have to play volleyball, and even though i’ve had a flaming passion for this sport since the 3rd grade, i find myself preferring to sit on the side lines, counting the spots on the ceiling because i’d rather do nothing than go through the motions like every other day. 

16:05-time to go home to a place worse than school, aren’t you excited? i sure am. time for homework and being forced to eat an after school snack.

19:38- it’s dinner time and i’m going to be forced to eat again, but don’t worry, it’s for my own good, right? and i can’t stay in the shower too long, or they’ll think i’m hurting myself again, and we don’t want that now do we?

23:19- i’ve finished all my homework, but what good is a night without a little extra studying?

2:59- its nearly 3 and i’m reading the same line in the textbook over and over again because i cannot comprehend it’s meaning. i guess it’s time for sleep because my eyes are begging to be glued shut again, maybe tomorrow will be different.