What Am I?

God, I lie under this towering oak,
The whole of nature at peace in this silent still shot,
In the frigid November,
Utterly confused.
A year ago,
I rejoiced in the benefits of my effort paid off
Was I happy for the wrong reason?
In assuming that it would be happily ever after from there?
Boy, was I mistaken!
Never did I expect at all the illness that would develop inside me
The layers of pallid, pocked skin that swallowed my muscles, made me lethargic
Dulled the spark in my eyes.
Never did I expect
To be haunted again by her face, 
come back from the deepest recesses of my brain
After such a long time;
After such a feat I had never been able to accomplish in the years I called her "my best friend",
The one who I opened my heart to until a year and a half ago
The one to whom I sacrificed the love of my family to
The one who consumed my love, and used it to her motives,
And left my remains encased in thick, cold ice.
Never did I expect
My mangled heart to become so broken
That I would lose all hope of finding the ones I had walked away from
When she revealed to me who she really was.
When I walked towards the lake
Never did I expect your fire to rip through my body,
Melting the ice that literally trapped my insides
Blasting through my mind, my core,
Giving me hope, and the intelligence to listen to the ones in my home 
Who I had allowed myself to become a stranger to
Telling me to preserve my life, 
And my heart as my life force 
But why? 
What am I to do with it?
I repelled the demons who trapped my soul, 
and defeated them in the process
You gave me the words to free me from the demon controlling the minds of those who took advantage of me
You give me gifts: people in my life, odd talents...
...a family I devote the part of my heart that I do not already give to you
But as I try so hard in some areas of life, 
The saber I once carried no longer has the same satisfactory feeling it once did in my fingers
Concoctions from doctors, meant to aid my body, rot away pieces of my mind as well.
What is this for? 
What do you want me to do with this?
What path before me do you want me to travel down?
What do you want me to say to my friends when I encounter them?
For what end have you given me such wonderful chances to love those who need it so badly?
And allowed my values to be rightfully wronged?
Thank you for those times you have saved me from the consequences of my own actions!
But what about this do you want me to work with?
What, with so much frustration, are you trying to have me learn?
At this point, I give myself over to you,
My plans and endeavors totally redirected,
With the realization that there is nothing that I can determine at this point.
I am absolutely, beautifully confused
Because your plans are different than mine,
But I know that they are better,
Because you hold the clock of the world in your hand.
And I stare at those branches above,
 that you wove as a canopy, like your spiders weave their webs,
Realizing that I am such a small fasces in such a complex world,
Yet you care about me enough to rock me to my core
And give me the the chance to experience it


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