Waking Up and Staying Awake

Location

74965
United States

Sometimes I think why

Why do I get up each day

And subject myself to the horrors

That await me at school

At home

 

The people,

Judging.

My parents,

Expecting.

My brother,

Hating.

The work

That keeps me up

‘Til my eyes are heavier than the pile of blankets that suffocates me,

Trying to claim me as one of their own

 

And so I lay there

Eyes closed

Worrying

Panicing

Thoughts of too much

Filling me like a kid

After thanksgiving dinner

 

Why?

Why?

Why?

 

Why do I even bother?

I know I’ll never

Be the smartest

The most popular

The prettiest

The anything

Never more than what I already am

Nothing

 

But then I see Her

Behind my eyelids

A glowing angel

Who means so much more than myself

 

Each night

She texts me sobbing

“Whore

Ugly

Bitch

Kill yourself”

I can’t

 

I can’t

She says.

Too much.

It hurts

Like lemon juice

Drizzled over a thousand paper cuts

Until the pain consumes her

Each night

 

The world is cruel

It takes a flower

So pure

So kind

So beautiful

And dips it in acid

And asks

“Are you okay?”

 

No

No

She’s not.

 

How do you tell someone

That they’re worth

Their weight is gold

When you’re drowning as well?

I want to

Sometimes

 

Just let go

And let the waves

Pull me under

 

Just burry

Me under the blankets

Until I waste away

To nothing

Like I already am

 

But I won’t

I can’t

 

It hurts

 

A beautiful flower

Worth so much more

Than all the gold

All the silver

The diamonds

And gems

in the world.

The most valuable of all

 

Who makes my dark days

Just a smidge brighter

Who can’t take the pain

The world throws at her

Like a curveball

 

But I can

And I will

 

I would suffer

A thousand tortures

Take me

Hurt me

But not her

 

So I’ll wake up

Each day

And say nothing’s wrong

Because

I am a gardener

And my flower needs me

More than I need a release

This poem is about: 
Me

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