Waking Up and Staying Awake
Location
Sometimes I think why
Why do I get up each day
And subject myself to the horrors
That await me at school
At home
The people,
Judging.
My parents,
Expecting.
My brother,
Hating.
The work
That keeps me up
‘Til my eyes are heavier than the pile of blankets that suffocates me,
Trying to claim me as one of their own
And so I lay there
Eyes closed
Worrying
Panicing
Thoughts of too much
Filling me like a kid
After thanksgiving dinner
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why do I even bother?
I know I’ll never
Be the smartest
The most popular
The prettiest
The anything
Never more than what I already am
Nothing
But then I see Her
Behind my eyelids
A glowing angel
Who means so much more than myself
Each night
She texts me sobbing
“Whore
Ugly
Bitch
Kill yourself”
I can’t
I can’t
She says.
Too much.
It hurts
Like lemon juice
Drizzled over a thousand paper cuts
Until the pain consumes her
Each night
The world is cruel
It takes a flower
So pure
So kind
So beautiful
And dips it in acid
And asks
“Are you okay?”
No
No
She’s not.
How do you tell someone
That they’re worth
Their weight is gold
When you’re drowning as well?
I want to
Sometimes
Just let go
And let the waves
Pull me under
Just burry
Me under the blankets
Until I waste away
To nothing
Like I already am
But I won’t
I can’t
It hurts
A beautiful flower
Worth so much more
Than all the gold
All the silver
The diamonds
And gems
in the world.
The most valuable of all
Who makes my dark days
Just a smidge brighter
Who can’t take the pain
The world throws at her
Like a curveball
But I can
And I will
I would suffer
A thousand tortures
Take me
Hurt me
But not her
So I’ll wake up
Each day
And say nothing’s wrong
Because
I am a gardener
And my flower needs me
More than I need a release