unlocked emotion

Mon, 04/28/2014 - 21:48 -- ajahni

Looking in every direction for an answer that doesn’t seem to exist,
A clue or a piece of insight would even be helpful for me to make it through this.
Knowing what you want but simply questioning it due to the consideration of others,
Sometimes it feels as if they want more for me than I want for myself and that makes me wonder.
Mentally I’m defeated and I just want to call it quits and give up,
Running away from it all seems to be the best way to relieve myself but even in this stage of contemplation I seem to be stuck.

Stuck at standstill of confusion and confidence,
Motionless but progressively transcending from it all.
I just wish there were no other voices or outside distractions but that’s not the case,
I guess I’ll be mentally tough and look all my issues in the face.
Quite the stare down if you ask me because I see myself as the underdog and question whether I will be victorious in the end,
In the meantime I’ll stare back as confidently as I can.

Hopefully this false sense of confidence becomes subconsciously true,
A smile and laugh masks all of these feelings I have because without explanation you’d truly have no clue.
Back in that dark place that I’ve been to many times,
Feelings aren’t what they appear to be…. Emotional lies.
I’ve found my way out of this place before but this time is different, I’m trapped
Stormy clouds which rain pain, pain in which now over me has collapsed.

Self-deception for emotional protection fails because one’s heart has not set direction,
Feeling sorrow and pity due to self-imperfection.
What I thought was legit really wasn’t it,
Temporary emotions I admit even though in the end I’m not sure if I’ll actually quit.
Quit the game of love that is although habitual scenarios tell me to flee,
I disagree in a sardonic matter which is really strange for me.

A fake tough exterior has been annihilated and broken, buried, and dug up again,
Just shows that emotionally I’ll be a brick wall but in reality a sponge but a brick wall is what I’d rather be so I continue to pretend.
Learning experiences haven’t quite been learned,
Alive with my heart in my hand which I now toss in that dark place which inside me internally burns.
A fire that can’t be put, pain that won’t ever go away is challenged by indecisive contemplations and hopes of a brighter day.

Guide that inspired this poem: 

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