The Unedited Preamble
“We the People of the United States,”
But not all of the people
Definitely not gays, lesbians, and bisexuals
Trans people can’t use the bathroom
Blacks still aren’t safe
Actually anyone from a different race isn't quite safe
And women still aren’t equal to men
So when you read “we the people” in the Constitution
You may be directed to
Chapter ‘Sorry’, section ‘Not’, subsection ‘You’
Unless of course you’re white, rich, straight, and male
“in Order to form a more perfect Union,”
The ‘perfect Union’ that we, the government, want
Because we don’t care what the people want
In fact, if you want to vote in the primaries
Or even the general election,
We’ll add superdelegates
Or divide the sections for the electoral college
Just so we get exactly what we want.
So you may think this is a good system,
But really we’re cheating you
“establish Justice,”
Except we don’t always do it fairly.
Ok, we agree that rapists are bad
But marijuana offenders are definitely worse -
At least in our books
So if you sexually assault someone
A few months is a good punishment
But you smoke some plant,
Man you just stepped out of line and we won’t stand for it!
Oh, and P.S.
Don’t forget chapter ‘Sorry’, section ‘Not’, subsection ‘You’
Because anyone listed here
Gets a way more serious punishment
“insure domestic Tranquility,”
The police
The good guys with guns
They protect you from the bad guys -
At least who they think are the bad guys
Sometimes they shoot people they think have guns
But really don’t
They were just trying to protect you
… from a threat that didn’t exist…
But it’s ok because we told them to watch out
Specifically for the people mentioned
In that chapter with the section and that one subsection
You know the one
“provide for the common defence,”
We’ll put in a lot of money into this one
We think it’s important
To have a great military
So we’ll spend about $600 billion on it
Because we’d rather fight people
Than spend money on stupid things
Like education
(We’ll just let our citizens drown in student debt)
Or health care
(We’ll just let our citizens die)
Because fighting others is more important
Than taking care of our own
“promote the general Welfare,”
I guess that means taking care of the people,
Like providing health care and food to everyone...
Sound too communist
Let’s make it impossible for poor people to get it
Gotta make money somehow
“and secure the Blessings of Liberty”
(Again consult the specific chapter with the section and the subsection)
“to ourselves and our Posterity,”
Because we care about future generations
We’re definitely NOT going to hate on them at all
Or tell them that they’re lazy,
Don’t amount to anything,
Don’t socialize enough,
Or give them any reason to think they have a bright future
Well, maybe we might
“do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
……….
Dear congress/President/government/ruler,
Whoever is leading this shitshow,
It’s us, “We the People”
You may know us better as the people
In that chapter with the section and the one subsection,
You know, the ‘Sorry’ ‘Not’ ‘You’ people
We know you’re trying your best
(We’re just being polite)
And there really are some good things about
The United States of America
(That’s actually true)
But we think that some things need to change
(A LOT of things should change)
We think you’re excluding some people here
(That’s putting it mildly)
So we were hoping that you might
Listen to what we have to say
(Like you ever really do…)
We don’t think it’s fair
So we’re putting our foot down!
Love,
Fuck you,
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Chapter ‘Sorry’, Section ‘Not’, Subsection ‘You’