I feel the shadow of fear creeping down the dark hall        

slipping noticed into the room - my eyes squinched tight        

 

But i know that shadow even with my eyes closed don't I        

It's bad intentions made known with the smell of beer        

in my nostrils.        

       

oh god oh god oh god        

       

       

holding still under covers 

praying to a god that's nowhere around        

don get me don get me        

my fear sucks all sound from the room        

 

but not for long.          

       

         

I see the shadows of my sisters dancing in the dark.        

The blue of the night light adds calming colors        

making shadow creatures out of the dancers frenzied movements        

yet doing nothing to mask the whimpered sound 

of dying innocence 

  

       

ha ha charade you are        

       

I lay frozen with fear and self hatred        

I mean why couldn't I just sneak up and  beat my father        

to death with my baton underneath the bed?        

why couldn't I? 

 

Because he's stronger than god!!        

       

       

I'm no savior, just a little girl with the world        

and my sister's innocence on my shoulders        

I disgust myself lying frozen         

while the abuse goes on and on  

 

till a minute seems like hours      

 

I clap my hands over my ears  

pretending that this is not my life        

no no no this can't be my life        

       

ha ha charade you are        

       

waiting until the shadow slips down the hall        

back to hell and my mother    

who's earned the title of Mama the blind    

 

and not for nothing either        

 

I disappear into the nothing I've become        

and will spend my entire life perfecting        

wearing my mask of a happy girl 

 

ha ha Charade you are