Above all, I am a coward.

My friends, my family, they would say differently

They would say something nice, something sweet, something vapid

They would toss around words like kind and loyal and clever

I do not condone this

Above all, I am afraid of letting down their lofty expectations

(I feel I have already let down myself)

You could be an engineer, mother says

An Architect, a writer, a doctor (please be a doctor)

I could be nothing and nobody and penniless

.

.

.

Above all, I fear the future.

I fear tax returns and voting (wrong)

I fear rent and pills and driving

I fear responsibility.

I don't know how to socialize alone

Without school forcing me to

How to make appointments and schedule meetings and network

I don't know how to manipulate people

I want to be alone (I'm scared of being alone)

I fear my impending independence.

I fear the death of my parents

The distance of my siblings

and

dear

friends

I fear what I will become.

I fear myself, and my mind, and my blood and my eyes

they are too familiar, and not at all

I fear the darkness (and what it hides)

I fear I am sick,

and my sickness is humanity

(I hope it is)