unbalanced equation

I don't know what I want
I can't foresee what's in store for me
I don't know what I need
But I do know one thing. You're neither what I want nor what I need.
Yet here you dwell
In the equation of my life.
You know those feelings
Those feelings of authentic melancholy, regret, and naivety
The enveloping feeling of doubt, fear, paranoia
These emotions, they're all mine
I feel it in the pit of my soul
and I literally feel it in my heart
You give me never ending chest pain
Yet here you dwell
In the equation of my life
Here you are
Doing nothing but making me fall out of love with you
The more I type messages to your cursed, yet blessed name,
The more I flush down my desire to upset you
Because I honestly find joy
In your pain
I guess it's like a taste of your own medicine
Isn't it?
You neglected to see how hurt I was.
I long for you to devour just an ounce or tablespoon
Of the sadness and depression I experienced
One could say that I hate you. 
They'd be right.
Yet here you dwell
In the equation of my life.
My silence says more than my words.
I guess I need to thank you,
Don't I?
Before I met you, I didn't know
Who I was, who I was destined to be,
Or what I could handle.
You also helped me to take pride
In who I am.
I despised my short, mocha, thick curls on my head,
I despised the fact that 90 pounds was just a figment
Of my Imagination
just because I'd been stuck at 83 for so many
I let that 83 define my demeanor and my view of Madeline
in the mirror.
That fucking cursed mirror.
If you wanted me to, I wouldn't be able
To count how many times I glanced 
In that damned mirror
And sobbed endlessly over not having it
Not having Beyoncé's ass,
Not having big and beautiful curls like my mother,
Not having the breasts of a teenager my age
Is told she should have by society. 
It took you.
You told me in September of 2013 that I,
The girl that was accused of being anorexic
"Too" skinny
Too fucking this and too fucking that
was one of the most beautiful girls you'd ever seen
In your goddamn life.
It took you.
I depended on you for self-esteem purposes,
For support, in general.
So maybe that's why you're still here dwelling
In the equation of my life.
You boosting my self-esteem
Blinded me.
The minuscule good things you did
Overshadowed all of it
All the shit
All the hiding
All the fallacies
All the countless times you stabbed me 
In the back.
So, yes, I definitely should thank you.
I wouldn't be the person I am
Without you telling me everyday
How beautiful I am inside and out
And also
How I couldn't text you between 2 and 6
Because your girlfriend was in your presence.
I learned so much
About myself
From you.
So, it's time
Time for me to leave you physically in the past
Where you belong,
Time for me to bid farewell to your faintly caramel skin,
Your kind, deceptive smile,
And your fatal, but beautiful laugh.
But you'll always be a number
In the equation of my life.



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