In search of the truest of me

A soul unpainted, my scars unmasked

I forced myself to sit down

And stare at my reflection as I ask

What do I see?

I see a girl who often gets fixated on the opinions of others

And how they see her

Her mind filled with daily thoughts of

Is my hair too wild?

My nose too wide?

My butt too flat?

Or my stomach too fat?

A girl who never saw herself as someone with insecurity

But why then, did she go for days without a meal?

Running for hours on the treadmill

Starving to be thin

Dying to be accepted

Accepted by a mother whose “nurture” was a suffocating blanket of judgment and spite

I see the girl that once was me

My body tingles as I remember my old friend

Slowly, my fingers trace the ghost scars she left on my wrist

And I exhale in relief

Because I know- she is gone

She rests in a shallow grave buried with self acceptance

And on the very top grows a flower anew,

Radiating with the most vivid of colors, it reflects back the disapproval of others

Careful, its roots only suck moisture from droplets of love

Only absorbing the rays of positive energy

Positive energy fed to a sister starving for the same acceptance

Hoping to free her from the grips of scrutiny that sunk in the venom of bulimia

Positive energy will be the nurture for the seeds planted from here on

Because I am the gardener of my life

And I see the woman that will be

Confronted with my evolution

I ask again to the reflection of myself

What do I see?

I see a girl who is comfortable

For my hair is not too wild

Nor my nose too wide

For my butt is not fattest but certainly not the source of a single shame

No, my stomach is not the flattest but I walk happily in my own frame

I have found the beauty in my flaws, unfiltered

And committed to be

Unapologetically me