by Ariel Douglas (2 June 2018)

 

I believed you

I trusted you

You broke me

You used me

You never loved me

You took my heart

My mind

My body

And threw it against the concrete floor

Where it fell into a million, billion, gillion pieces

It’s taken me so long to pick them up again

To build them into something that I thought was worthy of being told

That I was loved

You caressed me

In the beginning

Tenderly whispering what you thought I wanted to hear

-- What I thought I wanted to hear --

Directly into my ear as your hand crept up my body

To wrap around my throat

You whispered

That I was beautiful

And you loved me more than you’d ever loved another

Ever could love another

And I believed you

I trusted you

But that was a lie

You were incapable of loving anyone but yourself

Nonetheless, you whispered

That you would love me forever

That it wouldn’t really matter in the end

Because we’d be together

So we could go ahead and start now, right?

I wanted to believe you

I wanted to trust you

You whispered

And you told me that it was love

That the women on the screen did it

And you loved to watch them

So why couldn’t I?

You slowly grew angrier and angrier

But I couldn’t see it

You loved me, okay?

It didn’t matter what else you did or said or… or…

You whispered

You loved me

And I believed you

I wanted so desperately for that to be true

I trusted you

Because when you’re fifteen and someone tells you they love you

You want to believe them

That’s what they say anyway

In the songs and the music that you pumped through my head

You threatened me

You wanted what you wanted and it didn’t matter to you what I wanted

You screamed

You fought me down

You tried to take what I wasn’t ready to give

But I got away

I ran away out into the solace of your living room

Where you couldn’t hurt me without someone knowing

You followed me

You whispered

You were sorry and you didn’t mean it

It was okay

You loved me

I believed you

But I like to think I believed you a little less

I trusted you

But I like to think I trusted you a little less

You told me

That if I loved you

Then I would show you like the women on the screen did

That you could stop watching them if only I’d love you that much

That you wouldn’t end your life

If only I could love you like they did

You told me

That if I didn’t do what you said you needed me to do

Then you wouldn’t be alive much longer for me to love

And that it would be all my fault

You held me down

You whispered to me

You twisted the words that I wanted to hear

You twisted them into a noose

And coaxed my heart willingly inside

It hung there for a while

I asked you to leave

You wouldn’t

You said that you loved me

I didn’t believe you

I could no longer trust you

I told you to leave

You wouldn’t

You screamed that you loved me

And that it was my responsibility to reciprocate that love

I’d promised you said

But I couldn’t remember that

I had a hard time remembering any of it

The pain swallowing the memories until there was nothing

But the pain

I screamed for you to leave

To leave and never come back

And still you’re there

Haunting me

In the corner of my mind

In the corner of my sight

In the corner of my life

Stalking me

Reminding me of when you convinced me you loved me

Of all the things you made me do in order for that to stay true

You force me to relive it

With every tender touch from the man who means what he says

With every gentle word from the man who I can trust

But I can’t

I’m still learning to trust again

No thanks to you

I thank God every night

That I escaped you

And that He is allowing me

To trust again