Tomorrow
You see it everywhere
"oh 2016 was the worst!"
"man, I think 2016 was the real 2012"
2016 was the year where it felt like everything was cursed
I was apart of the masses -
my life had been topsy turvy since the move
from my precious north to the judgemental south
living in a place where it seemed like everyones mission was to disprove
all that mattered
was their own advancement
because people were never content with who they were
"there was always room for enhancement"
my identity was constantly under fire
my life had begun to feel like a war zone
we lived a while with no income
and my home life was thrown into a cyclone
my mother spent days on the couch
not knowing what to do next -
imagine that,
my rock was constantly perplexed
my grandmother became a diagnosis
she was no longer my mother
she was now an alzheimer patient
she was just like every other
from one day to the next
a cloud had grown above my head
it would weigh, it would rain
and it would watch me as I bled
the smiles had faded
the jokes were fake
my day to day life now
a constant wonder "was I a mistake"
I knew what was going on
yet I didn't
see, when you were raised to be selfless
admitting you have a problem was forbidden
I was "smart and funny"
and was "going to do so many things"
I was bright and light
with words that brought tears to people eyes
how could I have depression
and so came the trips to the doctor
my mother wanted me to get better
but she wanted, needed, a logical answer
yet she had never met her
She was not logical
the cloud came and went when she wanted to
sometimes she was weightless -
those were the days I just needed a raincoat
sometimes I was permanently drenched
with an umbrella that could never protect me
I was making progress
I was understanding her more
yet nothing could stop the sadness
or the general desire to not do anything
try telling that to a workaholic single mother
who broke her back to keep us afloat
"You're just being lazy"
was my favorite quote
I have since decided to stop talking about it
it is the worst thing to do, they say
but I have been doing better than I was before
and I can now keep her at bay
I may be alone
and I may feel exactly the same
but trying to make others happy
is to blame
because nothing beats seeing a smile
so innocent and so wide
while I fight for something just as genuine -
this keeps me satisfied
I may never get better
or I may get better tomorrow
I may never know
the joy of others will forever be my goal, though