Living in a world that I don't want to live in
I hate it here
If I had the strength to end my life I would
But I'm a coward
Why live in a place where I'm unwanted
I'm wasting my time
I'm not happy here so why keep living in anger
Maybe I could grab a gun and shoot my brains out
Maybe tie up a noose and hang myself
But I'm afraid
Not because people would miss me
That isn't the case
No one ever wonders about how I feel
I don’t even think that my suicide would make it crystal clear
But hey, I'll be living for a while
I pray for a happy ending
Maybe I'd get hit by a car or accidentally get shot
What if I drown?
Accidentally overdose because I wasn't sure about the number of pills I should take
So many choices, but I could only choose one and it hurts
It hurts because I’m afraid to die
I'm a coward
I'm too weak
Too frail
This crappy air that I have to inhale
I don't want to breathe the same air as these other ignorant people 

Is it scary that I wish life was a video game
So I could shoot each and every person who has done me dirty
And win the number of kills by a ratio of 1-30
They killed me once
Struck me down with the negative words being spat from their mouths
Each "I hate you" was an individual stab
Along with "you’re shit" as a form of strangulation
I'm suffocating in my doubts
"Please help me"
I cannot breathe and no one hears me out
When will my pleas be enough I’ll continue to question

But looking at my reflection I no longer see a coward
I see a vital young woman fighting away the pain and suffering
Pushing through these facetious remarks
If only I could tell my fellow allies that they were worth living
That dying only made their agony go away for a split second
Yet their disappearance will forever remain
That their intellect of a child only caused them to think that suicide was only temporary
That with a snap of a finger they'd return
And it ruins me to see the puzzled look in a mother's eyes
To feel the sorrow in a father's heart
Placing the scissors on the ground and putting on your headphones is what I call a victory
Because what would life be like without a battle
I don't believe that everyone has it easy
Looking at the elders makes me feel some sort of appreciation
Like they should be handed a medal for completing one hell of a hurdle

I don’t know how to explain it but I’m feeling some kind of remorse
As I lay in bed, music softly playing,
I question...
What would it be like to meet the victims of society before they decided to tie up the noose?
What if I could tell them that we could build a friendship that would forever remain?
Would they loosen up the knot?
What if I grabbed the gun away from the young man with tears in his eyes?
Would he still pull the trigger?
And the girl who’s getting ready to swallow half a dozen pills?
What if I took them from her hand and replaced them with candy?
Would she still drink them down?
And to my younger self...
I’d tell her to replace the knife with a pencil to scribble her thoughts away
So she wouldn’t have to hide under long sleeves and sweaters
That she was loved...
That she was never physically alone although her mind told her so
I’d hug her and tell her it was okay to cry
That she was strong enough and that I loved her 

But as the song ends I continue to wonder...



This poem is about: 
My community
Our world


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