The feeling of a steel blade as it pierces your skin, tearing your muscles, and tendons like there’re a paper cup, and the shock from the initial, perforation is only a temporary shield that will only last a few little precious seconds before the pain and agony you will be in for the rest of your life sets in, it’s a feeling only known to a few, and the even fewer who lived through it, how I know this feeling you ask well I’ll tell you so take a seat and get ready to hear a tale filled with betrayal pain grief and guilt, that will last a lifetime, so let’s go to the beginning where it all started where my torment begun, I was about four years old when I met the kid who inflicted this pain upon me, the one who subjected me to this agony, his name was Jayden but I called him bubba-jay, because I thought of him as my brother even though he was far from it, he was the orchestrator  of this long time, lifelong pain of being betrayed by someone I trusted with every bone in my body, it left me scarred physically and mentally, he led me away from the safety of the vision of my mother who was also oblivious to the dark malevolence that hid inside him, or at least I hope, but he guided me like a lamb to the slaughter, it was like any other day, we were supposed to go out in the woods and shoot some bb guns, but as you probably guessed that’s not how it went, yet he brought something along with him that should have sent the sirens off in my head, like a city under blitzing, but all it took was a have assed excuse to quell my naive four year old mind, he simply told me this dastardly simple but perfectly reasonable believable lie, he told me he was going to carve us some target to shoot at, and I fell for the adlibed deception by the hook, line and sinker I didn’t see all the holes in that perfectly presented bluff, why would you bring a machete, to chop, to carve hard wood, which is incredibly diffucult, it just bounce off the logs of oak, I didn’t think to inquire why he didn’t just bring a Styrofoam target, like the ones at his home, but none of the thoughts went through my mind they were the thoughts you’d find in the mind of someone who been betrayed, one who’s seen the dark side of humanity, not the one’s found in the thoughts of a innocent four year old, you’d only find super heroes, and scooby doo in there, but now after it all done and past, now that I’m stuck with the scars, left with the memory of the sound my body made the tearing sound as the blade split my skin, as it tore in, and the blood started to seep through the holes, making my complexion to one akin to a demon blood red, was the color my skin had taken as its chosen shade, and so he continued to carve me like a slab a meat on a butchers table, he continued hacking and slashing, at this child who looked at him with such love and admiration, just screaming at him to stop crying and die, that he was worthless, and all the kid could do was let out a gargled sputter, one that was a cry for help that was drowned out by the blood that had pooled in his throat, having already flooded his longs the kid could only try helplessly to scream for someone to save him but all, they would have heard is just a weak chocking sound, but the kid never stopped trying even as darkness started to close in, and his vocal cords had torn into two he continued to try and call for help, even though his lungs where flooded with blood he screamed and cried for someone to save him, he cried for his mother, his father but there was no on coming to save him, the kid finally realized that there was no hope and he might as well just give up an die, but something awakened in him, the thought of just giving up just because you couldn’t receive someone help, he realized that he couldn’t just up and die, without even trying to defend himself, to rely on himself for once even if it was a hopeless thought made by a last ditch attempt to stave off death, the sweet welcoming feeling of  the eternal peace that comes with letting the darkness roll over me, no I couldn’t just die without even trying to save myself so I picked myself up with the few remaining intact muscle I had to my name, I spit out the blood and teeth that filled my mouth, and turned my glare to the person who did this to me, and even though I already knew who it was it still made my breath catch in my throat, and the tears increase their speed at which they left my eyes, and I couldn’t even scream, because as I stated before I had tore my vocal cords so I let my face my blood covered face tell him how I felt, I glared and walked towards the one who caused me the pain and agony that I still feel to this day phantom bouts of unbearable pain, and I can still hear the sound of my skin tearing and my muscles ripping as though its being played on repeat through an speaker, it sounds so clear, so real, so loud it feels as though it’s still happening that at any moment I’ll wake up and see him still hacking away at my back and that this was all a last ditch attempt put together by my brain to stave off my inevitable death, this idea haunts me every second of the day, that everything that I’ve been through, is all just a elaborately fabricated dream a hallucination you could say, that is just one of the myriad of soul crushing, horrifying thoughts that ride right alongside the horrible pictures that come to mind when I think of my child hood, nothing in them brings a smile to my face nor do they bring tears to my eyes anymore, that stopped long ago they bring me an emotion that I’ve come to know more than the back of my hand, I know every twist and turn that is found in it, when my eyes turn red, when my fuse finally reaches its end and it explodes tearing everything down, shattering windows, throwing shrapnel all around me, the anger that I’ve had all my life is the only emotion that makes its residence in my psyche, a long time tenant that I can rely to uphold the rules I lay down, it follows them all, its the strongest tool at my disposal, my favorite toy, that tears it all down in an instant, so I let it flow and roam through me, but even he can’t stop the fear that I will wake up and see that blade come down for the finishing blow, but all I can do it try and survive, even though the pain, the sounds, the memory never leaves me I can at least make sure I never let that happen to me again, so I closed off the road to my heart, I cut the ties to my emotions, it left me feeling numb and empty, but that dont bother me, because it allowed me to focus on bettering, strengthening, fortifying myself making sure that, that wont ever happen to me again, so I drove those away who would try and stop me, to try and lead me down a different path, I closed myself off from the world and focused solely on mastering everything I could being the best, of the best because if I couldn’t heal the wounds I could make sure I never endure another, so I left them behind, and strode down this road alone, no words exchanged with anyone beside me and my thoughts, no one to try and lead me away from what I planned and will do,...  getting revenge on the one who did this to me, so I walk alone so I alone can show him what it feels like to have your skin split into and the gut wrenching sound it makes when all your muscles and tendons, when tthey are are cut like a strings pulled taught, and how it feels to choke on your own blood as it fills your punctured lungs, how it to choke and sputter, the guttural sound that was supposed to be your cry for help but comes out as a gargled, strangled cough be cause your lungs hold no air, your throat has flooded with blood, so all you can do is choke ever so more. I’ll show him how it feels to realize that you’re not going to see the sunrise, show him how it feels to know that you’re going to die, how just the very thought drains every ounce of strength from your body leaving your mouth bone dry even though it’s soaking in your own blood, how it feels to have all your entire life flash before your eyes, and see just how horrible the world has been to you, how much you can gain by losing it all, I’ll show him the fear, the pain, the writhing agony I felt when he drove that blade into my back as he recited that word like it was his mantra, screaming and yelling for me to just give up and die, I’ll show him just how much it hurts to die, show him what it is to feel true primal raw fear