Sober thick skin



Drunkenly sober, yeah I'm high on life
Striving to mean something to those who easily forget about me. Longingly I search for meaning in this gigantic feeling of nothingness an empty void, I wish would implode and collapse upon me. My brain is ready to explode, into endless nights filled with colorful wonders. Lift the brush to the canvas right before my eyes, thinking I can manage this. Only this is so much different I don't recognise my own hand, the scene is changing color dripping harshly from a canvas without a painting. The colors mix like car oil upon black pavement, there would be beauty in the catastrophe if only I couldn't taste it. Blood !  There's so much of it, pumping through me, keeping my heart beating. I want to retreat inside myself. Leave a smile there on my face for the world to see, then hide behibf it. A sort of security blanket that I can carry around with me. Look down once more, swimming in a pool of it. The oil like blood that drips from the canvas that was never touched with a brush, hold still, breathe, I just need to wake up. I can't wake up. In truth this is my life and I can't seem to find a way to step back from the ledge the void is calling me, taunting me, just one more step and you'll be free. Can't escape it, somehow I make it through. Step back and turn, headed straight into a mirror. The one that I hate so much, it's the awful truth. Win or lose, dream or reality ?  How am I to choose ?


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