The question “What is the meaning of life?”

Is like asking the question, “What do all poems, taken together, mean as a whole?”

You search for a single meaning through the entire realm of possibility

And you’re baffled when the answer is meaningless

Scale down your ambitions

Examine a single poem, and examine the complexity to its meaning

The shifting, swirling variations

The way a single metaphor can change everything

The way that a mundane core can create a living, breathing mass on the paper

You cannot find the meaning to every poem

But you can appreciate the meaning to a single one

 

Imagine life as a poem that you write

Its meaning so complex that you yourself cannot pin it down

The author is not dead, so much as clueless

No more insightful about the poem’s meaning as the reader

 

Self-reflection is the author writing a dissertation on their own work

Considering the prevailing images

Each aside to the reader

Until the meaning becomes clear as possible

 

Self-improvement is understanding that meaning so well

That it can be altered at will

Pressing backspace on a central metaphor

And replacing it with a more effective one

Deciding definitively what the poem’s goal is

And refocusing it until that goal is met

 

At the beginning of 2016 I applied to the Governor’s Honors Program (GHP for short)

A summer writing program for high school students

The most prestigious and selective in the state of Georgia

I failed to get in

At the end of 2016 I applied for the Posse Scholarship

A large scholarship that would turn out-of-state college from a dream to a reality

It has a 4% acceptance rate

I won the scholarship

 

The period between was self-reflective

 

Why was I turned down from GHP?

The answer brings us to another question

Why did I want it in the first place?

 

Ask me before being turned down, I may have given reasons of practicality

“It increases my chances of getting into college”

“It gives me something productive to do over the summer”

But of course, there are lots of things that increase my chances of getting into college

Lots of ways to occupy a summer

 

I realized that these weren’t the real reasons I applied after I was turned down

I was upset, perhaps even devastated

But in my devastation, I didn’t picture a future without a college degree

Or an idle summer with nothing to do

Some part of me understood that these were not the consequences of being turned down

 

All my disappointment knew was the opening words of the e-mail I received

“We regret to inform you”

An e-mail I didn’t even finish reading

Because the opening lines said everything I needed to know

“We regret to inform you” that your writing is not strong enough

“We regret to inform you” that you didn’t work hard enough

That your grades are not good enough

That your personal essays did not stand out enough

That you were not good enough

 

The truth was, I applied to GHP not because I liked the program

But because I wanted the program to like me

The practicality of attending the program was just a side benefit

What I really wanted was validation

It occurred to me, one day, that I knew almost nothing about the program

Except that it was prestigious

And therefore, its approval was desirable

 

I was only writing for approval

That was the meaning to my writing

And perhaps my life at large

The process of altering my purpose

The rearranging of lines and stanzas

Deleting some, adding others

Took months to complete

Until a new meaning had arisen from my life

 

I would no longer focus my writing on being liked

I would write because it satisfied myself

 

When I applied to the Posse scholarship

I did so only after research

I came to believe it was right for me

And if I was accepted, I would gain satisfaction beyond validation

 

At its core, the only reason I was accepted into Posse

And turned down from GHP

Is that I was right for the former

And wrong for the latter

I loved the former

And was not knowledgeable about the latter

But that simplicity conceals a larger transformation

 

I learned that I must do what makes me happy

And not what I believe will make others happy