Everyday

Everyday there is pain.

Every day it is hidden.

No one is allowed to see my pain.

I must hide it

Hide myself from a world that can only offer judgement.

Hide the scars from prying eyes.

Quick.

Cover up.

Shield myself

I have to be strong.

Scream in pain but keep my mouth shut.

Shut it.

They are looking.

Their eyes are boring into me, searing holes into my skin.

They see my pain and it makes me weak.

--Be strong

no one cares about my feelings.

they are judging me.

my limp, brace, scars.

I am self-conscious.

I am weak.

I am worthless. 

Just leave me alone

Don’t touch me.

I am weak, I am worthless. I am fat.

Fat is such a dirty word.

Fat is an insult.

 Fat is the one thing no one wants.

Fat is the lumps of depression that hug my body when I don’t want anyone else to. 

It is the guest of honor at the pity party I throw for myself every single day.

 As I fill my gullet with comfort that can only make me more  uncomfortable in my own skin.

Cover up

Hide.

Everyone is staring at me.

They are all judging me

They already have their verdict

I am not worth their time.

The fat, waddling penguin is not worth any ones breath.

So at the end of the day,

I am alone. And that is not a pleasant thing anymore.

When I’m alone is when they arrive to the party

Depression and Anxiety

It is Twisting, gripping, never letting go

This venomous snake that strangles its prey

My chest is throbbing,

Perpetually fluttering.

Oxygen becomes a leisure that I only wish I had

My lungs scream for more.

My eyes burn with acid

Fighting a battle against the torrent.

Bile rises in my throat

Threatening it’s release.

My head pounds with words,

Thoughts, feelings left unspoken.

Floods fall down my cheeks

Washing emotions away,

Making me a shell of who I used to be.

The darkness comes next,

It wishes to destroy me.

It tells me that I’m nothing,

Worthless.

I’m terrified and angry

At myself, him, her, everyone,

Everything.

I can’t escape from this feeling

This hopelessness

I’m alone while surrounded.

I am 6 feet away

Yet I am 6 feet below.

I pray for sweet relief

A way to forget

A way to get out

I wish upon shooting stars

Yet no one hears my cries     

No knights come to my rescue

I am not rescued

I must save myself.

Cover up.

Hide.

Because everyone is staring.

Everyone is judging.

Suddenly every knife calls my name as if we are old friends

Cars hold the secrets to how to make it seem like an accident

Pill bottles sing of a sweet relief resting at the bottom.

I become attention seeking

anyone and everyone who can give me attention in the way I want it

and boys have a way of giving that attention in just the right way

boys are tantalizing creatures

they hold the keys to love

to acceptance

and he accepted me

depression took a back seat as his love spread through my life

and he loved me

he. loved. me.

Its okay because he loved me, right?

Its okay because I stopped fighting

Its okay because I never. Said. No.

No is the only thing that could’ve stopped it

Saying I don’t want this, I’m not ready.

That wasn’t enough

Its my fault that I was in that situation

Its MY fault that I let myself get taken advantage of

If I hadn't let myself get into that situation it wouldn’t have happened

It is my fault.

And suddenly every knife calls my name again

Cars whisper secrets of death to my willing ears

And pills are a tantalizing treat

So I cover up

I hide

Because you are all staring

You are all judging me.

What gives you the right?

What gives any one of you the right to judge me and my life?

The mirror reflects a girl. But I don’t know her

I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself

I can’t see myself anymore

But that means no one else can either

And that’s a good thing.. Right? RIGHT?

If no one can see me that stops the ridicule, the staring.

Now they see the hair, the makeup, the clothes, The Façade.

That’s what they see

But still people stare

They ridicule

Penguin girl becomes goth freak

And suddenly

All over again

I want to grab the knife

Crash the car and swallow every single pill

But I control what I do

And I control who I am

And I am not this person

I am not hateful, rude, or gothic

I am the girl who loves puppy dogs and music boxes

I am the girl who memorizes movie scripts and loves the word bubbles

I am the girl who laughs freely at Disney movies and falls in love with every stuffed animal I see

I am the girl who is beautiful no matter what size I am

I am the girl who is beautiful with or without makeup

I am the girl whose hair only reflects the brightness that shines from my soul

I am the girl that looks up at the stars as if every secret is held there

I am the girl who believes in herself

I’m the girl with a limp, a brace, and scars.

I’m the girl that is hidden beneath the façade

I am me.

See me.