It always ends this way yknow. Trying to go to sleep but I'm not able to. I say to myself all throughout the day that I'm gonna read or do something to make myself sleep earlier but I never do. I just end up listening to songs or remembering things that illicit a very specific emotion. It's so hard to describe. It's painful, but I don't want it to go away. I don't want to lose that feeling. I wonder why that is. Eventually I'll get tired enough or exercise and jack off in order to fall asleep. Then I wake up and continue my day like normal, like nothing happened. Like I'm not in pain. Like everything is going peachy. Like I'm not absolutely petrified of my future and the limitless possibilities where I could end up a failure or in a position similar to my parents. Maybe I'm too relaxed. I need to worry. I need to better myself. I try. I try so hard. Harder than you or anyone would ever know. I'm very proud of how far I've made it in life at such an age, but there will come a day when that stops. There may come a day when I fall behind even. I'm utterly terrified to think of that. It makes me want to scream. To run away. I need to be strong. I am strong, but the human experience can be so hard sometimes and for the stupidest reasons. God I'm so happy. All the time. Why am I happy all the time. Why don't I get sad. It's not that I mind necessarily, I just don't know why. I've come clean to my grandparents about it more or less. They know I don't care that my moms in prison. They know I hate my father. They even know to an extent how selfish I am as a person and sometimes I only visit because I'm hungry or want to hang out with friends and it's almost never because I miss seeing them. I don't want to entertain the idea that I'm a bad person. Maybe I'm a sociopath. Maybe I'm too cynical that it affects my relationships. But that's the way I am. And even though deep down I may not feel genuine love for those close to me, I still am appreciative for all they've done. In that regard maybe I do love them. I do nice things for them. I have fun hanging out with them. Is that love? I can't say I'd cry if they died or left forever, but that's hard to say for certain. I've been born and I've grown to be the man I am as I am. I'm a nice guy. I make an effort to be and that's what really matters. I believe humans are inherently good. I used to hate our species more than anything else, but that was stupid. Some people do stupid things. Others do horrible things that many view as unforgivable. Some people are rotten to hang out with. Others are just plain annoying. Regardless, they are that way because of how they are born and how they've grown up. Maybe they can help it Maybe they can't. But the fact is that that makes up a loud minority of our species. As a whole, we are compassionate, loving, and entertaining to others. We care for each other as a species. We socialize. We have achieved things far greater than any other species could comprehend. Humans are truly amazing, and I am proud to be one. When I go on walks, listening to music, walking the dog, or just listening to birds sing, sometimes I sit and look at the bright blue sky. The grey cloudy sky. The rainy wet sky. And I see all the beautiful green trees. The colorful fall trees. The poetic dead trees. And I often think to myself. Life is hard. It always has been, but always will be. I enjoy it though. It's not so bad being human. It's not so bad having friends and families. It's not so bad working to make ends meet. At least I'm alive and well enough to appreciate what and who I have. The view is magnificent.