The first time he touched me, I couldn’t believe that he did it by force.

The innocence of my soul and the filth of my flesh made a violent divorce.

I wanted to scream, but my body betrayed me, though no pleasure did it take.

I was frozen with fear because even though it wasn’t intercourse, I knew it was rape.

You see, at the age of thirteen,

I made a mistake and decided to date the captain of the basketball team.

At first it was fine, in this dream world of mine, until one afternoon.

I kissed him too soon.

Apparently, a kiss means you’re willingly giving up your virginity in more ways than one.

When he slipped me his tongue, I said I was done.

I looked in his eyes, with no emotion, no words,

His reply was to force his hand down my pants and make me hurt.

It happened behind the school which made it so much worse.

I sobbed, and I cried

Hoping someone would pass by.

And even before I was sure what was going on,

With four fingers he did penetrate me, raped me.

I tried to scream, but he hit me.

I stood frozen with fear, busted lip and all.

Petrified, terrified, pinned against a wall,

I cried the entire time.

It was nearly thirty minutes later before he walked away,

Nothing to say.

I ran to the bathroom;

I knew he made me bleed.

I removed my panties, dropped them in, and flushed.

I wanted to keep this hushed.

Then he walked right in the bathroom and straight to my stall.

He said that I don’t realize how lucky I am

To be “loved” by a man.

But in reality, my virginity wasn’t the only casualty.

My state of mind had been redesigned

When he ignored my cries the entire time, altering my reality.

I couldn’t walk right, but I tried.

When I asked him why, he said his friends told him that I would take it and like it if I was a “real woman”.

I was only a teen stuck in between nightmare and reality.

It got worse when he told my friends that I wanted it and liked it,

But I still denied that it happened.

I tried to hide it because I didn’t want him to win.

I didn’t want to be a victim.

I was ashamed and thought I was the one to blame.

I tried not to remember when I saw him everyday.

We didn’t speak,

And I couldn’t walk right for an entire week.

When my mother confronted me,

I nervously faked a knee injury.

In hindsight, my choice was right.

It was the situation that was wrong.

I pretended it never happened

And tried to move on,

But time doesn’t fly

When all you do is cry.

The secrets eat you alive,

So I decided to end my life.

At first, I thought to do it with a knife,

But I knew I wouldn’t succeed

Because I’d think of how he made me bleed.

I thought of drowning,

But like him it would silence my screams.

Every time I closed my eyes,

I flashed back to that night.

I couldn’t sleep.

I didn’t want to eat,

But I choked every bite down

Because I wasn’t going to starve myself

The way he starved my childhood.

Fed the violation of my personal places to my womanhood

Which was no good to be at thirteen.

I cringe every time a man touches me.

A pat on the back to holding my hand makes me feel unholy.

I couldn’t tell a soul

Because it would get out of control,

And no one would want me.

These thoughts took the innocent ones’ place

After the rape that left no escape for my mind.

That day, something inside of me died.

Especially after he violated me

And I return to class the next day

To see that he had dumped me in front of my class.

That is how my fragile heart shattered like glass.