Standing naked in the mirror only helps me push the knives in deeper ,

so I can hit the major organs of my sanity.

This classic magic trick of cutting in thirds my being,

killing off what I thought to be tainted.

Taking even deeper breathes I carve across my stomach and to me it looks like a smile,

that same smile I wish I saw on your face,

I feared that carrying about this burden of natural attraction,

could only send you further away on the rocket ship that blasted off into paradise.

In that same ship you would blow kisses that could never reach the blood stained knives that I tried so hard to hold up even though my arms felt like weak strains of your grey hair that you would ask so kindly of me to pluck out.

If my bedroom walls could speak they would explain to you that teddy bears painted black on top of my dressers were the least of your worries.

That the thread count of my sheets no longer have their worth,

and that the questionable dialogue on my television was only to muffle what thoughts I did not wish for you to hear.

In my defense I only wished that I could write my name in blood on that rocket ship so when you board to come home you know what you are coming back too.

And I will wait arms wide and pelvis ripped open,

Do not be frightened by my appearance, though it may be questionable

But that is what drastic change does to one person.

In all this I only wish that you may take me abroad with you past Jupiter into the milky white utopia you always told me about.

Where happy hour is every hour and we can dance in unison for days on end. You do remember we love to dance don’t you?

 Do not be disgusted by my red footprints that stain the snowy walkways of your dreams.

Because I did this for you.