I hide my face behind… “ur so…” and “i love your..”

But not “i am”

I bend mercilessly at the thought of rising above rejecting street lights 

To follow the empty pattern of what it could mean

With no promise of absolute guarantee

I can never say the word

In return for a word that you would like for me to say

And If i did say the word it would explain a lot, but i don't

And i carry that wherever i go

As plain is my pain

And pain is another's fear

But even when i get this way i can’t recognize myself

Then again What exactly is this way and why is it that way?

I can feel myself breaking down

Going into a direction that leads to obscurity and an ostentatious way of seeing myself

When i look in the mirror i look “fine” 

But that image doesn’t reside in me forever

If anything it's quite homeless

When i look at the world I feel sick

Not for which you think because it's not you its me

And what I think i look like away from the safety of that mirror

And when i'm not looking at all i feel safe

Trapped within my fascination of the creation of my own individuality

And I admire yours too

In fact im jealous

Because you're so…..

I mean I love your….

I am…..

What am I??