For my sister Annemarie

 

Its not that we couldn't be

its not that we never have been

its not that we cant see

more so a matter of when

where

the time and place ever so important

a drifting memory of us in the yard

we played and laughed

we had good fun

we had a family

a unit of one

or more

now that it makes sense

we see we were never one

worse yet, we still arent

one

we

me

you 

I

we was brother

we was sister

we had bond

we had blood

 

there was blood

on the ground it shed

you I saw fly through the air

thinking my dog is dead

 

I have no dog, I thought

I turned to see you, my dog?

you lie there motionless, not breathless fore the screams erupted and in plenty

I ran

I ran 

I ran

I run

 

Dad was asleep

your screams couldnt wake him, but your name did

 

AnneMarie

 

That day everything changed.

 

you

me

we

never the same,but not by choice

by circumstance

 

No more fun

no more bond

no more laughter

no more sister

no more brother

 

cicrcumstance can destroy and obliterate, puncture and wound

but it only draws the blood if you let it.

 

here we lay,together yet separate.

this IV of circumstance drawing blood from the veins of our relationship

drawing drawing drawing

there is no erase

only pain

 

not until recently did I feel pain.

and for you I feel pain not until now.

 

there are no words to describe the tears built inside me

I want to say the simple words, but they cant describe how I really feel

Nothing can.

Im….no, I cant, they wont last

only the ripping of the IV of circumstance out of our vein will heal the pain and suffering.

 

what is worse,I wonder, to suffer obliviously or to know suffering as it takes you into oblivion.

 

And now youre here.

Pouring out your stomach as I attempt to pour out my heart.

Symbolic it seems.

Getting rid of the waste, between us.

Between my words you dismiss yourself to dismiss waste

like dismissal of thew emotions running deep in our hearts

you throw up to heal

we heal as I expell and only you can heal as you expell

dont worry

Im not mad

im not 

Im just sorry