That Pathetic Feeling (By Autumn Van Buren - Slam Poem)

Wed, 05/15/2019 - 08:26 -- AMV03

1   Her eyes, they were not as bright as they used to be.

2   But even though she mostly wore black, her mind was a rainbow full of colors.

3   She knew he did not need the rayless ones, but fluorescent colors she would give him by the handful.

4   Well.. at least tried to.

5   But now she was speechless whenever he was around, wanting to just talk to him without it being awkward.

6   Their random conversations, his weird and corky dances.

7   She knew that was pointless to him, but she could not say the same.

8   She missed him, wanting to just talk to him, even if it was for five seconds a day just to say “hello”.

9   She did not know how much he had meant to her, and with an accidental push it all became clear.

10  But she was questioning if that push was even accidental.

11 Through her foggy vision, when she was trying to grab his shoulder from walking away, she might have just pushed it from reflex.

12 Scared of what would happen if she got too close, barely even realizing she was already there.

13 Sorry after sorry flew out of her mouth, but each time it seemed to just miss his ears.

14 He said it was fine, it was okay, but it was not okay because he is still not here.

15 Their conversations no longer existed, his dances she always missed, and this didn’t seem to bother him.

16 Funny thing is that seemed to bother her the most.

17 Though they were just friends, he was one of the closest friends she’s ever had, and one of the last few.

18 Now it felt as if they were galaxies apart, not even in the same universe.

19 The stars acted as walls, separating them like awkwardness that made it difficult for her to speak.

20 Even without their cheesy banter though, his smile still brightens up her world.

21 She wished he could say the same.

22 His face, his voice.

23 It all brought back memories she didn’t know if she was ready to let go, wanting to make new ones.

24 But he did not want to make new ones.

25 And even though she said she wanted whatever was best for him she was lying because all she wanted was for him to stay.

26 They never seem to stay.

27 She was not prepared to let him go when these were the moments she needed him most.

28 People are dying, friends are fighting, money is getting low, and she didn’t know what would happen.

29 She was scared.

30 Scared of them, scared of her, scared of it, and.. Scared of him.

31 But yet, whenever he looks at her, even if it is just for one second, she smiles.

32 And then feels pathetic.



This poem is about: 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741