My First Love, 

 

If I could have known that love was passing me by I would have chased it.

Chased it like a little kid chases after the ice cream truck with their exact change clinking in their little pockets

Chased it like a predator chases its prey

Chased it like it was a dream and I did not want to be in reality anymore

It is safe to say that when people go to family parties, they encounter someone they do not recognize, but everyone else does. A stranger to you, who means no harm, but an old friend to those surrounding you.

Love is like that.

If I could have recognized love in those green eyes, I would have looked in them longer.

I did not know that love had a love for facetiming until 2 am listening to my dumb ideas or just being there

I wish I could have seen how love was so gentle, so caring

I wish I could have noticed love when I sat with it in the backseat of my friend’s car on homecoming night

I wish I could have noticed love when it hugged me and spun me around

I wish I could have noticed love when it could tell the difference between my real and fake smile when no one else did

I let it walk by, like strangers you accidentally bump into on the street but never catch a look at their face.

Love could have swept me off my feet and gave me what I will never receive.

But I let it pass me by

Love could have been my best friend and taken me to places I will never see

But I let it pass me by

Love could have been there for me when I needed it most 

when all I had was my shower for the silent tears and the bags under my eyes from the sleepless nights

But I let it pass me by

How could I not see it?

Love is a master of disguise, and heartbreak doesn’t follow too far behind it, but often we push love to the side because heartbreak’s mask is just that much more appealing, and just that much more deceiving

I cried rivers and screamed, “Why does love not chase after me?”

But what I failed to know was that in the rivers I cried, love had drowned from trying to swim to me, trying to save me

 

I was searching for love in all the wrong places

I was searching for love in the corners of depression and the halls of dependency

I chased after people who were running away

I loved people who could not love themselves

I saw God’s radiant light in people who thought I was encompassing them into the devil’s darkness

Love is like a ghost that haunts me

Love haunts me in my memories

Love haunts me in the pictures we took

Love haunts me in my smile I can never get right again

 

Love haunts me in your name that I can't remove from my lips

 

My love, I hope you and I cross paths again one day, and this time, I will not let you pass me by