Paint Smears
Like dark chocolate and sweet tasting coffee.
Like raindrops that come just before a hurricane.
You were my premonition of the destruction that would come after.
“If only’s” are the only things I have left
And it’s summer now and it’s become harder to forget
because all I keep thinking about is everything I don’t want to think about.
And you,
an anchor to amnesia,
slipped from my fingers and all I see is the storm.
But you,
my sweet paper and gold hearted boy.
My fearless
impulsive
courage and innocent honesty.
You were everything they told me to be wary of
and nothing like they said you were.
Because it was him who clawed and ripped out something, something I feel missing from my chest.
It was never you who haunted
my every thought and my unconscious dreams
made me suffocate in a closet of quiet.
You were that sweet blissful anchor to what was real
To what was good and what was safe.
You were my healer,
my constant companion in the darkness.
Impatient and loving,
a work of art.
I miss you, and everything you are,
and how unapologetic you are for being everything I am not.
Like closed curtains and tensed shoulders.
Like held in breaths for fear of missing any word you whispered.
I shut you out when I needed you the most.
Darling,
you are my freedom,
that afterthought paint smear that accidentally brushed into my life.