I think I am at my most unadulterated at night.
My anxieties, my fears
come crawling out of the crevices of my mind
like Chuthulu from the watery depths.
I lie awake for hours
that my assignments are turned in,
that I am all registered for college,
that I have to go to work tomorrow.
My stomach flips at the thought.
I toss and turn trying to get comfortable.
I result to taking comfort in my phone
and basking in the pale light.
I pour every little thought out to my friends
because they are too toxic to boil in my mind.
But it's 1:30
and we have school tomorrow.
They have an anatomy test tomorrow.
I have a theatre performance.
I hear my mom snore in the other room.
At least someone is getting rest around here.
I think I am at my most unadulterated during the day.
My confidence, my goals
shine outward like the morning sun as I make my commute into work.
I fall asleep during 4th hour.
Twice that hour
Thrice that hour.
All my assignments are turned in.
I'm all set for college.
Rehearsal, a nap, then work tonight.
My pursed lips soften at the thought.
I sit back up, trying to pay attention.
I result to getting distracted by my phone.
Turning it on accidentally sets off Siri's tiny tone, and the class snickers.
I tell every detail of the day to my friends at lunch.
They complain about the anatomy quiz.
I cringe over the lackluster theatre performance.
The roar of the lunchroom is deafening as we sit, practically soaked in vinegar.
At least someone is having a great time around here.
I am not quite sure who I am.
Because whenever I evaluate myself,
I always believe that the person I am
at that moment in time
is the person I am regularly.
Often times I feel like who I really am
doesn't broadcast farther than the outer layers of my psyche.
When I speak, I feel like a historian,
attempting to translate a poem from another language;
I'm getting the gist out, but not the emotion captured in the original text.
It takes me a while to find the words that need to be said.
So please excuse our mess,
it's hard to keep clean when you're excavating thoughts out of an unsound mind.