What is it like to be okay? I think I've lost the feeling of being normal. It is pretty sad whe I can pinpoint the place in time when feeling okay was missing. It has been more than 4 years of feeling like total shit. More than 4 years of feeling depressed. More than 4 years pretending to feel okay. I managed to get used to the feeling of not being okay, except for 6 months ago. He had to go in and fuck my life up. He had to pretend that it was all nothing to him. It was more than a relationship for me. It was me allowing myself to feel something for someone. You can't get hurt if you pretend to not care. When I think about everything I have ever done, it makes me want to die in a hole. Why can't people understand that the way I am feeling is about normal for me? When I get this suicidal, everyone should just probably ignore what I feel. That's what mostly everyone does anyway. My sister could care less what she did effected me more than I let on. She was my personal bully. Wether she meant it or not. All I wanted to do when I was younger was spend time with my sister, now, all I want to do is get away from her. I will never let her in again. She fucked that up not me. It wasn't my fault my own sister decided to have a kid and not tell anyone about it. Through the first abortion, which no one can know about, I figured it would eventually pass away and everything would go back to being okay. Well not even a year later my niece was born. I will always love my niece, but I also resent everything that came to her being born. I hate the fact that she has became the center of attention in the eyes of my parents and I have become nothing but a memory. They are so wrapped up in her that I have sat on the back burner for more than a year. They said it would never happen again, but what the hell? I always knew that something was going to change, and well this is the change I knew was going to happen. When I think about my future, I get nervous and feel like I am going to puke. I am ready to grow up and live on my own. To live in the world of isolation. To be the queen of isolation. I always thought that maybe my family would get along for once, but as that turns out they can't come together for a single holiday. One forgot, one didn't want to come down, and the other didn't say their excuse for not showing up. Something has shifted from the death of my grandmother, all I know is some people have changed too much that everything is gone. I know she would be proud of my accomplishments in my life right now and also very worried of how I am currently feeling. Maybe I will see her again someday soon, maybe not. Let's see how I feel tonight. I have zero abligations tomorrow. I don't have to go to work if I don't want to. Hopefully my story can get out to people. To show people how I am feeling and how I have felt in the pass. Please don't follow my mistakes. Say how you feel to the people who care.